SAN ANTONIO, Texas – Local woman Jessica Wells, 30, was going about her normal Thursday routine, a successful day of holding in her flatulence. She ventured to her high-powered office job where many people respect her and had another successful day of squeezing in her abdomen. Even after she went to lunch with the office boy’s club to Tacos Santana and got the chilaquiles with extra beans.
“Wow Jess, you sure can eat!” they exclaimed. They respected her for that; she could hang with the boys. There was, however, a close call, back at the office, when her leather computer chair squeaked during the 2 p.m. conference call. She turned to glance at her notes and squeak, there it went. Jessica aggressively pointed to her chair as everyone scowled at her, quickly losing all respect. Brian, from the Dallas office, laughed through the speakerphone.
“What in God’s name was that? Jerry was that you, you dog?”
“No, it was Jessica’s ‘chair’…”
“Oh, gross,” Brian responded.
When Jessica retreated home after a long day of sharp pains and aggressive fidgeting, she ran past her mailman and her hot neighbor, Tom. She set her dog Marcus’ dinner up in the kitchen and retreated to her quiet bedroom. Jessica’s boyfriend was conveniently away for the weekend. She thought the coast was clear after she washed up for the night. She locked her bedroom door and snuggled into her bed, pulled up the covers and carelessly let one rip.
She let out a sigh of relief, just as she heard a familiar voice say, “Ew, Jessica that’s nasty.” Jessica’s heart dropped – it was Gary, the 407-year-old boogie monster that lives under her bed. She claims that she had no way of knowing that Gary would be on duty that night, as he has an irregular schedule. Gary, whose main job is to scare men and women in the middle of the night with his slime-covered demon body, claims, “She didn’t even have the decency to check under her bed.”
Word got out about the horrible incident and many members of the community both human and monster are saying unanimously that Jessica’s actions were careless. Gary, who had been working under Jessica’s bed for close to fifteen years, was so shell-shocked that he resigned from his job entirely. “I’ve seen a lot of raunchy things in my day,” he said. “But nothing came close to my first time hearing a woman fart. That shit’s just foul.”
Since the incident, Jessica’s boyfriend has since broken up with her, she was evicted from her apartment, and has been fired from her job. Jerry from the Dallas office stated, “Yeah, we knew that wasn’t her chair.” Jessica, whose whole reputation is in the gutter, was last seen consulting a doctor for reconstructive surgery to fix her “problem” and promises that if she had the chance to relive that moment she would have “just sucked that thing back up inside.”
