SAN FRANCISCO – With another Christmas in the books, the California Journal of Cultural Studies has published its annual comprehensive report on the holiday. And according to a shocking new study in the document, Santa Claus, despite his whimsical powers and nearly incomprehensible ability to visit the entire world in one night, is still but a man with carnal urges and needs that must be met.
The 340-page report caps a year-long study led by Henry F. Randall, an professor of anthropology at the University of San Francisco.
“Though we understand Santa to be an omnipotent deity, held to nearly the same standards as Christ,” Randall said. “There is monumental evidence to suggest he is little more than a regular man who can be easily seduced by women.”
Randall’s research team acquired numerous testimonies and physical evidence from women around the world, many of whom admitted to having sexual intercourse with the magical gift master, for reasons ranging from loneliness to the ultimate completion of a Santa-related sexual fetish.
“Since 1986, the rate of mothers waiting for Santa at the bottom of the chimney in nothing but a wide-open robe with nothing on underneath has increased by 65 percent,” Randall said. All women interviewed have also been able to correctly identify the mole on Santa’s right buttocks, and eight out of ten women told strikingly similar stories of Kris Kringle’s particular habits in bed.
Lucy, who did not want her last name published, said it was hard to forget Santa’s sexual requests.
“For months after it happened, I would lie awake at night wondering how any man could conceive of the depraved sexual acts Santa asked of me on Christmas Eve,” Lucy said. “But I find myself wanting him more than ever.”
According to the study, it would be impossible for any normal man to ignore the amount of sexual opportunities that have been afforded to Santa throughout his tenure.
“He works the most on Christmas Eve, but Santa works at a breakneck pace throughout the year,” Randall said. “Based on the pressures of his work and the time constraints he is constantly under, there is no way he could be receiving the appropriate amount of sexual satisfaction from Mrs. Claus. It is only natural that he would eventually seek the touch of another woman.”
The study further suggests that Mrs. Claus, left on her own for much of the year in the North Pole as Santa fulfills other commitments (such as lucrative speaking engagements around the globe), maintained long-term, purely sexual relationships with at least three elves.
“By all accounts, this is a broken marriage,” Randall said. “But we are looking forward to figuring out if there is some kind of sexual arrangement that the couple has reached in order to maintain the illusion of a happy relationship.”
