Up until three years ago, I was doomed to a life of chicken soup, bed-ridden Fresh Prince of Bel Air episodes, and infuriating my boss for every sick day I took. Now I’m a health guru for MAJOR big-name celebrities (I’d tell who you they were but I signed an NDA). Follow my tips below to a better, healthier and more germ-free YOU.
1. Take one serving daily of vitamin A, vitamin B, vitamin C, vitamin D, vitamin E, vitamin F, vitamin G, vitamin H, and vitamin I. If you’re really ambitious, go all the way to vitamin Z.
2. After you pee those nutrients out in two to four hours, drink your pee for maximum effect.
3. Get at least sixteen hours of sleep every night; if you’re having trouble sleeping more than twelve hours (or convincing your boss to keep your day job), count sheep.
4. Swish coconut oil in your mouth for seventy-five minutes every morning while you simultaneously get dressed, cook breakfast, and do squats. If you look like a chimpanzee while swishing, you’re doing it properly.
5. Participate in at least one ayahuasca ceremony every six months. No need to fly to Ecuador or Peru. Check your local listings for the nearest basement near you.
6. Before hopping in an Uber or Lyft, ask your driver when the last time he or she was sick. Then request the medical histories of his or her previous ten passengers.
7. Better yet, never take a car, subway, bus, bike, or airplane for transportation. Either walk (at least 100 feet away from the nearest mammal) or chain yourself to your bedroom for the rest of your life.
8. Rinse your shoes and socks in a bucket of Purell every evening. If you have sensitive skin, Whole Foods makes a great all-natural lavender antiseptic.
9. Go to Shirley Mills, Maine and log an oregano tree. Cap the oil, put it in a mason jar and bring it home. Consume one teaspoon every day for eternity.
10. Sleep frequently next to your significant other (or your roommate or dog or cat if you don’t have a partner). Lick their outer ears and epidermis every night before bedtime. It’ll give you an added dose of antibacterial probiotics.
11. Finally, and most effectively, quarantine yourself in an iceberg for two years. If it starts melting, come back and start advocating for better climate change initiatives – and then visit a doctor.