Google. Anthropic. Meta. These massive companies have each sunk billions in the pursuit of one goal: making this year the worst year on record for men named Al.
The impact that the proliferation of AI is having on the environment and society has been discussed at length in academic circles, peer-reviewed journals, and in Reddit threads you regret clicking on. Even as an increasing number of localities are placing moratoriums on AI data centers, Hollywood’s biggest star, Kevin O’Leary, is advocating for a data center in Utah the size of 2 and a half Manhattans that’s projected to use 90% of the energy that NYC uses in a year. Locals fear this development will have devastating consequences to the surrounding area and crush Utah’s thriving 99¢ pizza market.
Regrettably, even with excellent media coverage depicting the downside of developments like Elon Musk’s Memphis data center, it’s impossible to cover everything, which means some people’s stories are buried. That’s the case for men named Al, who are having the worst year of their lives. A record number of Als are considering going through the arduous process of telling their friends and families that they “prefer Albert, actually”, undoing years of familiarity and good will.
“I can’t spend 5 minutes online without getting sucked into discourse about AI stealing jobs,” says Albert Tross, a greenskeeper from Georgia. “I don’t understand it. I am not taking anyone’s job. I love my job! Have you ever seen anyone sink a hole-in-one on a par 4? I pay meticulous attention to the greens at my course, it’s my pride and joy. Why would I want to take someone’s product manager role? Not only would I be terrible at it, but I simply wouldn’t want that guilt hanging around my neck.”
Als everywhere are dealing with this same thing, seeing their name, or at least their name’s likeness, dragged through the mud on topics ranging from water consumption to the death of the entertainment industry. While the development of generative AI continues to progress with no real end in sight, some Als are fighting back.
“Even though there is a sizable faction of Als in the world that are giving up and participating in what we’re calling The Great Relengthening, we believe that Al is worth fighting for,” notes Al Taylor, founder of the You Can (Still) Call Me Almovement. “We have members who have been through this before. Did you know we have 430 registered Al Greens just in our southeast chapter? I’ve met more Al Borlands than you can count, which was a much bigger deal in the 90s, of course. If they had the strength to fight back when there were far fewer of them, the strength to hold strong and not Bert or Fred their Als, I believe we can all muster that same courage in these trying times.”
While this is nothing new for some of them, this is, by both volume and scope, the largest threat to Als we have ever seen, with some even concerned that this might be an extinction level event for Als. Despite the various organizing efforts by the You Can (Still) Call Me Al movement, it is unclear whether the rallies and fundraisers will be enough to stave off the oppressive march of AI.
At the time of publication, we have neither asked for, nor received, comment from Mr. Yankovic or his team.
