Complete and essential guide if your only other option is Cheetos in bed.
Plan your mealtimes wisely. You have a pretty good chance of having the kitchen to yourself if you have lunch between 4 a.m. and 6 a.m., and dinner between 3:30 p.m. and 3:32 p.m.
Your floormates will know how many eggs they’re supposed to have left. And if they see you having suspiciously frequent omelets for someone who doesn’t have their own designated egg carton in the fridge, they will know what is happening.
Milk, though, especially the large bottles, you can take a little without anybody noticing. You will also have the luxury of pick-and-mix: Ever had half-skimmed-cow-half-almond milk? There is your chance! And don’t worry, even if your floormates do think something is wrong, liquid is much easier to gaslight off than quantifiable solids.
Don’t try the pickles your floormates’ families sent them, though. It’s gonna taste like their childhood, and your laundry mat.
Most leftovers don’t really need to be microwaved. Eating them right out of the fridge is quite unlikely lethal. Besides the perk of skipping the line for the microwave, you also get to keep the fantasy that it would be good if it were heated. The only downside is that you might eat a lot of wrappers and without realizing it.
Pork being a little bit pink doesn’t mean it’s still raw. Shrimp being a little bit chewy doesn’t mean it’s still raw. Potatoes being a little bit bitter and poisonous-tasting doesn’t mean it’s still raw. Eating a little bit of raw food doesn’t mean you’re gonna die.
You can put anything on some bread and call it sandwich. You can put anything on some rice and call it Chinese food. Culinary skill is 60% confidence and 40% self-deception.
If you don’t like cilantro in your food, you can easily solve that problem by not adding cilantro in your food, even though it’s part of that Google recipe.
Food is going to smell and taste just as good if you smash all the ingredients and throw them into one pan. You can save a lot of time without severely damaging your quality of life by cooking this way and eating with your eyes closed.
If you insist on buying the Le Creuset, you will use it exactly twice during your residency, and the second time will end in your food spilling all over something.
Remember that time when your mom made you clean up the attic, your entire closet, and even your sock drawer because one aunt was visiting? That’s you buying a food processor. You’re never going to get that college degree if you can’t bring yourself to cut half a carrot.
Get a shit ton of carrots.
Putting a lid on the pan may stop the smoke from rising but will not stop the firemen from coming if the fire alarm is already going off. You shouldn’t waste any time. Put everything back in place, run to your room, and act like you were never in the kitchen.
When people tell you what will happen if you microwave eggs, choose to believe them.
If a recipe can’t be done with only one pan, save that recipe in the folder named “for twenty years later when I maybe have a job and my own apartment” and make mac and cheese.
If you happen to have a Chinese person at your floor, scratch everything above and just fanatically stare at their food while heartbreakingly telling them that you’re so, so hungry.
If you happen to be the Chinese person at your floor, you can ward off hungry floormates from eating your food by telling them it has dogs in it.