Psychiatric Evaluation
Patient Name: [REDACTED]
Date: June 2025
Section A:
Please Explain Why Labubu Dolls Controlling Your Mind Is “Cool, I Guess.”
Because the Labubu thing is whatever. I’ve always been different. I win raffles. I catch foul balls. It makes sense the dolls chose me, but I’m not proud of it. Being controlled by Labubus might be a big deal to other people, but for me it’s normal.
Section B:
In Your Own Words, Describe the Incident at the Fountain.
Like I told Judge Gonzalez, the Labubus made me drive to the mall food court for bourbon chicken. Then they tested Phase One of Project 16-C, which required filling the fountain with shrimp and red Gatorade.
Boring. Yawn.
Section C:
Why Shrimp and Red Gatorade?
It’s a sacred ritual for the Labubus. They threatened to start a fire in the food court if I didn’t steal the shrimp from the pet store. Then they screamed in a way only I could hear until I poured the red Gatorade in the fountain. Is that considered interesting? Maybe. For me, it was a normal Monday.
Section D:
Besides the Fountain, What Else Have the Labubu Dolls Instructed You to Do?
Regular best friend stuff. It started after my wife left. The Labubus made me cut holes in my clothes, which was fine. I walked out of Hot Topic in a mesh tank top and JNCO jeans. After that, the dolls bought accessories—designer purses and hunting knives. I rolled my eyes. They maxed out my credit card again.
Section E:
Do You Feel You Can Resist Their Requests in the Future?
Technically, yes. But why would I? When the Labubus stole my bed, I asked for an air mattress. Instead, they banished me to the bathtub. That was easy. I always get eight hours. Angela loved that I could sleep anywhere. It’s nothing, really, but the dolls say adaptability is a sign of “pre-leadership,” and I’m the best candidate to lead the soft-bodied rebellion…?
Section F:
What Do the Labubu Dolls Want?
Two things: constant access to my energy field (???) and for Project 16-C to succeed. The dolls turned Angela’s yoga studio into their war room. I hear them discussing how revenge upon their creator is the foundation for Labubu ascension, and I’m not saying I believe it. I’m just saying they believe in me. And that feels good, I guess.
Section G:
Have You Purchased Additional Labubu Dolls Since the Gatorade-Shrimp-Fountain Incident?
Only about two hundred. The Labubus said they’d attach balloons to the roof of my house until it floated away if I didn’t supply reinforcements. I bought every doll in the city, and they said I was the first human to truly understand them. I asked if that was a good thing, and they said, “We’ll see.”
Section H:
Final Comments (Optional):
Please unlock the door to this fluorescent room. I’m not going to hurt anyone, and neither are the Labubus. They want peace. Or vengeance. Or maybe just someone to listen.
They say I’m chosen. Okay. On one hand, I’ve always got stuff going on, so this is no big deal. Who cares? Not me.
But on the other hand, I don’t think I can go back to not being chosen.
Having something want me feels nice.
Or whatever.
Signed,
[REDACTED]
Note: The below is written in pink crayon.
(We don’t know where he got the crayon.)
Section I:
Final Final Comments:
[Redacted] is making it all up. There are no shrimp and Gatorade rituals. There is no Project 16-C.
[Redacted] is chosen, and you doctors are jealous. That’s what this is really about, right? [Redacted] is our special best friend, and you can’t stand it.
Well, good luck keeping something special locked up forever.
We’ll wait.
We’re the most patient dolls on the market.
We spent five years in a cardboard box.
Is that impressive?
You bet your sweet ass it is.
Love,
Blue, Green, and Grey Labubu