Hi there. This email is from Hollywood HQ, and we sincerely regret to inform you that there will be no new movies and no new actors ever again. We are thrilled to release the updated Wonka film starring Timothée Chalamet and cannot wait for you to be very, extremely, mildly, sort of, kind of entertained by it. Even if you aren’t, we don’t care.
See, here at Hollywood, we are lazy. Extremely lazy. Extremely rich and overpaid. But also extremely lazy. So we won’t be wasting time that could be spent coming up with rich, unique, and fun storytelling. Instead, we will just keep remaking old films, but like, with more special effects or some shit. You guys liked it the first time. We’re pretty sure you’ll like it the second, third, fourth, fifteenth time.
Next, what this is really about: Timothée Chalamet will be playing every character in every movie from now on. Yes, you read that right. The boyish, mid-level attractive, 113-pound, somehow-still-a-child will be playing every role in every movie forever. He glamoured us like a vampire from HBO’s True Blood, which we will be turning into a feature film starring Timothée Chalamet, and not a single other actor.
Need a new lead character for Die Hard 6: Die Harderer? Chalamet. Need an extra to play the sassy Middle Eastern gyro stall worker in another movie where New York “is a character?” Chalamet. Ready for a reboot of Forrest Gump? You guessed it. Chalamet.
And he is going method for that one. We’re going to pound him in the head with a shovel before each scene as Forrest, but then give him boatloads of heroin before each scene as Jenny.
And don’t even get us started on him playing the head coach in the remake of Remember the Titans. And the answer to the question you’re undoubtedly asking yourself is yes, he’ll also be the Black Panther in the next 64 Marvel films.
We know this is unsettling, almost horrifying, news. But that’s how it’s going to be from now on. Every screen you look at and every scene you watch will include a tween who is actually 27 years old. So grab your popcorn and start learning to see nothing but Timothée Chalamet until the day you die.
