Listen up, kids. As the head of the drama department and a gay man, I have absolutely no experience performing or experiencing sexual relations between a man and a woman. However, Mrs. Rutherford is sick and the state only mandates straight sex ed and/or abstinence so here are. I will do my best drawing on all the shows and movies society has forced me to absorb.
When a cisgender man and a cisgender woman have any sort of attraction to each other, they must engage in penis-to-vagina intercourse. This can be referred to as “sleeping together” because that sounds fun, flirty, and free of bodily fluids.
Bras are mandatory for women during the act of sex. Breasts are shaped like perky Jello molds with cherries for areolas. But if they are unleashed from their holders, they will be allowed to bounce amok. Also, my one friend told me her boobs disappear into her armpits when she’s on her back, so they need to be front and center for that man. You can never take your bra off while having sex.
In terms of positions, stick with missionary or the woman on top. Either way, ladies, keep that bra on. Doggie style can be an option, but that’s only if you do it in the shower or against the wall. Either is super pleasurable and don’t worry about the height difference with your partner. It always works out.
You don’t need any sort of lubricant and any time of day or night is perfectly acceptable. All parties are physically ready for sex without any preparation.
Straight women almost never need oral sex. Whereas gay men follow first base = swapping BJs, second base = penetrative sex and third is exchanging numbers, straights want full penetration over 69-ing. If men do give oral sex to a woman, it’s as benign as licking a lollipop. And you never have to discuss a birth control plan or safe sex. It’ll all work out. If you do pick something up, you’ll take a cute little trip to a clinic for some penicillin.
You both must cum at the same time! Women get off super easily. All men need to do is insert their penis and women instantly have their eyes rolling back into their heads. This is when people have visions of volcanoes erupting and flashes of lightning. And everything is perfectly clean when you’re done. No towels are necessary.
Post-coitus, you always stay the night. If you wear contacts or a night guard or have any skincare routine, too bad. You’ve gotta sleep in that bed! Carefully arrange the sheets so that the comforter perfectly covers all private parts. You just bumped uglies with someone, but you can’t let them see your naked body.
The next morning, the man should have a spare button-down shirt for the woman to wear with nothing underneath. That is, if you didn’t rip the buttons off the shirt dramatically undressing in a fit of passion the night before.
You’ll have a nice conversation over coffee and orange juice (discussing how good the sex was without calling it sex) before you part ways only to think about that mind-blowing sex you had with someone you just met and had no communication with about your sexual desires and needs.
I would demonstrate how to put a condom on using a banana, but you never see a man put one on in a movie. So he must already be wearing one!
All right, everyone. Hope that clears things up for all of you. If you have any questions, just go to Urban Dictionary. I’m now on my way to teach a class on self defense based on all the action movies I’ve seen.
