Below you will find some helpful tips on how to not be hacked to pieces by a loved one, an acquaintance, or a stranger. These tips come from hours of careful research conducted while sprawled out on my couch with Keith Morrison. Heed this free and practical advice and you too can avoid simply disappearing from a do-it-yourself carwash.
Do not give someone the shirt off your back. You will end up in a pool of blood in your kitchen. Be mean to people. Don’t be the sunshine. Be the dark cloud that walks in and ruins the day.
Is one of your favorite pastimes laughing? I advise you to stop that nonsense right now. Happiness is a known killer.
If your mama tells you that you light up the room, you better turn that shit off now. It’s going to get you killed. Use your dimmer switch. Make it gloomy. Suck the energy right on out.
Do your friends say you have the perfect marriage? Get ready for no one to be able to find your body. Also, your spouse’s cellphone will be pinging around the area you were last seen. Go ahead and figure out how to pop the trunk open from the inside. Because you’re gonna need to know. And has this same spouse hinted at buying life insurance for you? Run.
But don’t run to a close-knit community. Already live in one? Get out now. Go find the biggest city you can and get lost in it. But make sure it’s not Florida. Sunshine State, my ass. That’s the get your lifeless body recovered in pieces from an alligator-infested swamp state.
If you are going to meet someone at a boat ramp, just don’t. Text them and say you have your period and are too bloaty to leave the house. Instead, you’re gonna relax and shove cheese puffs in your craw all night. Save yourself with lies and snacks.
But stay out of the bathtub. It’s very easy to make something look like an accidental drowning. Soaking is overrated anyway. Get yourself some dry shampoo and take a whore’s bath in your sink. Much safer.
Do not go to the basement. Do not investigate a sound down there. At best you will get locked in, and it will be your new home.
While we’re on the subject of places to avoid, let’s add a cruise to the list. Find a safer way to vacation. There are no laws on the water and unlimited places to leave your body. Is an all you can buffet and unlimited Mai Tais worth the risk? Ok. Maybe don’t answer that one.
And last but still super important, if you happen to be the person that finds the body, you better be the correct mix of calm and hysterical. That 911 tape will be replayed and rehashed at proverbial work water coolers all over the U.S. and beyond. Go ahead and rehearse your perfect panic voice. Otherwise, you will be charged.