A steaming pile of faketion.
Not too many people know this, but….When George Washington led his Continental Army across the icy
Delaware on Christmas night 1776 to launch a brazen surprise attack on Hessian mercenaries fighting for the British, the passage had to be repeated FIVE TIMES. Three in one direction, two in the other.
But before we drill down, deep dive, unpack the facts, let’s use some bandwidth to upload just what led to that treacherous night.
If George Washington was Jewish, his Yiddish name would be Yussel. He wasn’t, but I thought it was worth mentioning. As a child, George (Or Yussel, your choice) had terrible problems with his teeth because his mother, Mary Ball Washington, served sugary drinks with every meal. In fact, the resulting erosion caused the whole family to lose their choppers. Toothless dinner table conversations were rendered incoherent. “Pass the salt” was confused as “Ass, it’s your fault” and actual fistfights ensued, most won by Mary in decisive knockouts.
The family’s tooth death was the true reason George chopped down the cherry tree. His father Augustine was always too stoned on peyote that he robbed from the indigenous peoples to safely wield an ax, and Mary was busy making more sugary drinks, so it was left to young George to man up. And the cherry tree? It supplied the material for the family’s replacement denticles, which were constructed with wood. One drawback: Tongue, palate, and lip splinters.
Now on to the first Delaware crossing, which had to be accomplished under complete silence, so as not to alert the Hessians on the other side. It was a brutally cold night. Several Continental soldiers fell into the icy water and froze to death, but no one was aware because they weren’t allowed to even whisper for help. It wasn’t until almost two centuries later that their bodies were discovered when the Delaware dried up due to global warming. As the surviving troops finally reached the opposite shore, General Washington barked out commands that no one understood. Realizing that he forgot his teeth, the army had to turn around, re-cross and find their leader’s Brazilian mahogany bridgework.
Delaware Crossing #3: With the General’s woodies firmly in place, the Continentals re-reached the opposite shore and searched for the Hessians. There were none. Seems that the German mercenaries had the same idea as Washington. Surprise the enemy with a nighttime crossing. The opposing armies were literally two ships unwittingly passing in the Delaware night. When a left-behind Hessian who was gastrically distressed by a steady diet of bratwurst and kraut told General George what had happened Washington commanded his groaning, eye-rolling men to turn around and cross again. The phrase “dumb and dumber” was invented on the trip back by one of the many disgruntled Continental rowers. Not as unhappy as the queasy Hessian, though, who was informed he would have to wait two hundred years to get a colonoscopy.
In mid-re-re-re-crossing, the two sides spotted each other. The confrontation went as follows:
“Washington: Why are you fighting for a country you don’t even like?”
Hessian General: “Duh. That’s why we’re called mercenaries.”
Washington: “FYI, in about a hundred and fifty years you’ll cause a world war and be the most hated country in the world.”
Hessian General: “Obviously, we don’t mind.”
Washington: “And then twenty years after that the most horrible person in history, a German, will start
another world war that will wipe out millions. Before that happens, why don’t you at least build up a
few decades of good will?”
Hessian General: “Why don’t you stuff it?”
And then the future father of our country invented a joke that to this day is still used by grade school
children around the world.
Washington: “If you look up the word Hessian in the dictionary, there’s a picture of an idiot next to it.”
The Continental troops almost lost their lunches laughing at such an inventive put-down. But the Hessian General had a better one in the chamber.
Hessian General: “At least I don’t have wooden teeth.”
For Washington, that remark was a bridge too far. He brought out the giant cannon, barked a command, and blew the Hessians out of the water. Then he pulled the splinters from his lips, finished the Delaware crossing, and led the Continental Army to victory over the British and tyranny.
As we know, General George Washington went on to become first president of our new nation. What escaped the history books was that he did not get credit for also being the Stepfather Of Modern Dentistry. And that is the absolute tooth.
