Los Angeles County and the W.H.O. warned that even immunized people should wear masks indoors. – New York Times, June 30, 2021
We at the Department of Transportation admit it might have been a bit premature to do away with stop signs at intersections. At the time, however, it made perfect sense to make stopping optional for the millions of cars that had recently installed self-driving autopilot systems.
You spoke, and we listened. You asked, “Why do I have to stop if my car’s sensors and computer have determined that at this velocity I will avoid an oncoming vehicle in the next intersection?” You reminded us of how 47% of Americans had already installed autonomous driving systems in their vehicles. Then you talked about your inalienable rights and freedoms, and we had to admit, you all looked really white and inalien.
Frankly, those of us over at DOT just didn’t feel like stopping anymore either, and it seemed like a good time to open up intersections again. Consequently, we relaxed stopping restrictions for vehicles with autonomous driving systems, thinking that perhaps it would inspire more people to install autopilot in their own vehicles. With more self-driving cars, we could prevent more traffic accidents!
Of course, there was no way to know whether or not cars were equipped with autopilot, so we crossed our fingers and prayed to God that the cars drag racing through intersections were just KITT from Knight Rider.
Now, however, we realize how presumptuous it was to assume that people without self-driving systems would remember to stop and look both ways before careening through an unmarked road crossing. Honestly, we had no idea that without the stop signs cars would go barreling into each other like 4,000-pound bowling balls!
We also never took into consideration how seasonal variants could result in more cars on the road, and how the heat could mutate the cerebral cortex. Sure, we knew summer was approaching, but we did not anticipate that it would be hotter than a nun in a cucumber patch. Never in our wildest dreams would we have imagined that people would rather risk death than waste one minute for safety!
We get it, we don’t like to stop either. Stopping is annoying. We all want the freedom to haul ass in our Ford F-350, to wear footie flannel pajamas to our children’s baseball games, and to rock a chip hat on Cinco de Mayo and wake up in some random person’s toolshed.
As it becomes increasingly clear that this country will never reach crash immunity, we need to do something to prevent traffic accidents in intersections. And now that we took the stop signs out, we can’t just put them back, because that would make us look wishy-washy and we would lose credibility. After researching hundreds of crashes, we found that slowing down and looking both ways is just as effective as installing stop signs. So now we are simply asking drivers to please, pretty please with a cherry on top, please look both ways and slow down when approaching an intersection?
Additionally, we are requiring that small, vulnerable vehicles, such as Smart cars or Toyota Priuses, stop at every intersection, regardless of self-driving systems, road desertedness, or incoming tornadoes. Guess that’s just the price you pay for being cute and little.
