After a landmark deal with the Devil in February this year, the Trump administration has continued its payout of over 118,00 American-made souls in return for a reelection in November.
But the sudden oversupply of souls to the Devil has led to record-low returns on retail-level devil deals.
“We’re absolutely overwhelmed by souls at the moment,” said Satan, Prince of Hell and Lead Negotiator for Netherworld, Inc. “We originally promised to deliver a reelection to Donald Trump in exchange for a sacrifice of just 50,000 citizens. To say he overdelivered would be the understatement of the century.”
But the sudden surplus of sacrificed souls has led to limited returns for others looking to make a deal with the Devil. Boston native Ben Wright recently tried bargaining with the Lord of Darkness for a return of the baseball season and a Red Sox win in the World Series, but wasn’t pleased with the Devil’s counteroffer.
“I tried to make a deal down at the crossroads, but the Devil wouldn’t even show,” explained Wright. “Instead he sent some low-level hellion who said the best they could give me for my soul right now was a sixty-game season and two bleacher seats for ‘any August game.’”
As the supply glut continues, market analysts have begun sounding the alarms for a possible dip into negative returns.
“At this point, investors are looking for any safe haven for soul storage, and it’s possible that they might be willing to pay the Devil to hold onto them during these tumultuous times in the market,” said Harvard Professor of Economics Jane Williamson.
Until the market stabilizes, experts are advising those in search of deals with the supernatural to consider turning to God, though they’re quick to warn that returns are historically less certain in that market.
