As a devoted husband, people are always wondering how I’ve managed to stay in a loving marriage for the past three decades. “How do you do it?” people will say. “How do you keep a happy partnership for all those years without ever getting mad at your significant other?”
And, obviously, while there are many things my wife, Sharon, and I do to keep our marriage fresh, there’s one surefire secret we have that always keeps our marriage as solid as a rock…
Even though Sharon and I fight from time to time, we make it a point of habit to never go to bed angry with one another.
Even more importantly, we always – always – go to bed angry at that coward God for cursing our fleshy and imperfect human bodies with the burden of existence.
And folks, after doing this for the past 32 years, our marriage has never been stronger!
Because, let’s face it, no matter how secure you think your marriage is, there’s always going to be friction. And whenever two people live under the same roof, they’re guaranteed to get into at least a few arguments.
But take it from me, whenever you fight, it is of the utmost importance to always make peace with your spouse before you go to sleep.
And never go to bed angry with one another.
And, along those lines, it is just as important to always go to bed FURIOUS at the hubris of God for giving mankind the inescapable curse of consciousness. And to resent Him for trapping us in these rapidly-decaying meat suits that we call “human bodies.” And to begrudge Him for granting us free will in a world of unrelenting existential and theological meaninglessness. And to detest Him for supplying us with the “gift” of life, only to immediately taint that gift with the ever-looming threat of our own hollow mortality (a threat that, each and every day, draws nearer and nearer like a bitter, poisoned arrow).
Forget marriage counseling – that’s the secret to a happy relationship, people!
Not convinced? Here’s a quick example to show what I’m talking about: a few weeks ago, Sharon and I got into a pretty intense argument about whose turn it was to wash the dishes. And before I knew it, Sharon was yelling at me, saying that I never did my fair share of chores. And I was yelling at Sharon, saying that simply wasn’t true.
Typical marriage stuff, right?
Well as you can imagine, things got pretty heated. But as we went to bed that night, we remembered our golden rule. And I promised that I would work harder on my chorework. And Sharon promised to accept my flaws, and to be more tolerant of them in the future.
And, just like that, our fight was over!
Then, immediately after that, my beautiful wife Sharon turned to me and whispered: “I love you so much honey. I love you almost as much as I hate the idiocy of God… oh how I hate Him for granting us the bitter onus of knowledge; and for forcing our fragile bodies to wrinkle and wither away before our eyes; and for forcing our fallible minds to grow infirm and gelatinous as the decades pass us by and the world silently replaces us.”
And I replied: “I know, darling… I know!”
Then I kissed her passionately while we shook our fists in the direction of heaven (where that arrogant pretender God hides from the flawed and mortal humans He cursed with the false laurel of consciousness).
And I remembered why I fell in love with her all those many years ago!
Anyways, I just wanted to offer my sage advice to all the married folks out there. Because even though married life can be a bit of a hassle, it’s important to remember that, at the end of the day, you love your spouse. And you care for them. And you want to spend the rest of your brief, fleeting, and existentially meaningless life with them. Which, honestly, is pretty dang inspiring.
And, theologically speaking, is incredibly depressing.