I have been a satisfied customer of HelloFresh since its inception, and I’ve always made it a point to try my hand at any new recipe they release. So, yes, I was undoubtedly excited to get to cooking their latest: veal piccata, with braised scalloped potatoes and a gun.
When I opened up my meal kit, it was clear HelloFresh kept to their promise of delivering fresh, responsible ingredients. The potatoes were harvested less than a week prior, and the colt-action .45 caliber revolver was sourced from a local independent arms dealer who operates his business out of a 1996 Caprice.
The kit arrived on time – the food ready to cook and the gun ready to load with a side of full metal jacket ammunition. HelloFresh even cleaned the barrel and polished the muzzle. After slicing the potatoes, the next step was to load and shoot the sidearm. So when I blindly squeezed the trigger, causing the gun to fire and destroy one of my prized vases, I realized this new HelloFresh recipe might be a hazard.
I definitely wanted to sink my teeth into some veal cutlets and dive into a stack of cheesy scalloped potatoes, but witnessing what the gun did to my vase gave me some pause. I had to find out if a gun could do something like that to human flesh. So I made the decision to shoot myself in the thigh.
To cover all of my bases, and ensure my safety, I had to research human anatomy. I looked up on the Internet where all the major organs and bones were on my body. If I was going to shoot my own leg, and the bullet did pierce my flesh, I wanted to be sure I didn’t strike anything vital that would cause me to bleed out on the floor of my mudroom.
Casually, I began my research. I had no idea there were these things called arteries, let alone a femoral one. Apparently, it’s one of the most vital transportation methods for your blood to the rest of your leg. Each leg has one, and to rupture that artery without a medical professional nearby would almost certainly result in death.
Fortunately for me, a close friend of mine has a son who worked as an EMT after high school for eight months. I called Catherine and asked if Lange would be available to supervise my little project, and should worse come to worse, perform any emergency procedures. He was, and we set the date.
A few days after I opened the veal, potatoes, and gun kit – the veal and potatoes were to die for by the way – Lange came by and I gave him the rundown. I determined Lange would be able to shoot my thigh more accurately from a standing vantage point, so I made him the triggerman.
The plan was simple: I would sit with my leg extended on a stool parallel to the ground. Lange then would aim the barrel of the HelloFresh firearm toward the middle of my thigh and fire the remaining bullets at my leg.
Now, I didn’t know what to expect from this gun that obliterated my vase into a million pieces, so you can picture my surprise when blood sprayed from my thigh onto my plate of veal and Lange’s face. I certainly did not anticipate the amount of blood spatter or the shrill pitch of Lange’s confused screaming. He missed my femoral artery thankfully, but the amount of damage those five bullets did to the rest of my right leg was significant.
After Lange regained his composure, he was able to stop the hemorrhage by crafting a tourniquet from the sleeves of his shirt. He cauterized some of the smaller wounds using nothing but Epsom salt and a butane torch. It was painful, and I lost many pints of blood over what felt like hours, but thanks to Lange’s medical expertise, I lived to see another day, and write this review.
One thing became abundantly clear after this study. This HelloFresh recipe is a threat to human life. What if I dropped the box on the front porch as the deliveryman was leaving, causing the gun to fire through the box and into his calf or spine? What if my child, who loves to help in the kitchen, got ahold of the gun? I don’t want to see what she can do with a .45 revolver; she can hardly handle a fork!
Regardless of whether I lived or died, it was easy to conclude after my little experiment that this HelloFresh recipe was a bit too dangerous for my taste. Don’t get me wrong. Everyone deserves the HelloFresh experience of preparing healthy, gourmet meals in the comfort of their own home, but unfortunately the buck stops for me when my veal comes with a side of dead body.