1. Standing in line
Yes, you’re pretending to get coffee, but in reality, you are just standing there like a complete noob, Moleskin notebook in hand, waiting to see if any tables open up. You’re probably keeping it positive thinking to yourself, “Everybody has to start somewhere!” Better find a seat fast, nerd.
2. The barstools near the front window
You’re green as hell, but probably not as new to “the biz.” Although you are one of the fresher inhabitants to the local coffee club, you’ve managed to dance a little with the devil, submitting some pieces that you thought were good to various outlets. Unfortunately, your satire piece on Trump’s favorite candy bars got rejected by The Onion, providing a slight bump in the road. Fear not, desperation is nowhere in sight and you’re in a good seat built for a rebound.
3. The couches surrounding the wicker table next to the cash register
Strictly for the seasoned veterans. You’ve lived the window life. This seat, and the fact you are now on attempt number 413 to get a publisher to read your sci-fi thriller, lets everyone know that this isn’t your first rodeo. You find comfort and security in the couch’s soft cushions, and you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Maybe there is a God.” This seat in particular allows other customers to walk by and see the tabs open on your refurbished MacBook Pro: an incomplete “how to get food stamps” Google search and your ex’s Facebook page.
4. The table with faded coffee (and blood) stains from other promising writers who sat (and banged their heads repeatedly) there
The good news? Ninety-nine percent of the other jokers graduating from your local Starbucks will at some point wonder if they “have what it takes” and inevitably leave to go home and cry themselves to sleep. Not you – the table seat definitely lets everyone know it will take more than repeated rejections from publishers and immediate close family members to give up on your dreams.
5. The awkward small table next to the bathrooms
If there’s a seat that says, “I’m failing miserably at my craft so please don’t bother me,” it’s the one right next to the shitter. By sitting here, everyone walking in your vicinity will know that you consider yourself, and your short story about a bunch of woodland creatures that band together to stop racism in the deep South, lower than shit.
6. The bathroom stalls
It goes without being said, but this is typically reserved for those experiencing writer’s block, anxiety-induced nausea and emotional breakdowns stemming from HarperCollins rejecting you for the thirty-eighth time, the most recent just being a letter that said “No.”
7. The floor next to the generator in the stockroom
Reserved for the failure-elite, the stockroom floor lets everyone know that you are the epitome of the word “unsuccessful.” Typically, those who find themselves here are the same one’s begging their parents for rent money. Chances are you’re only back there because it’s warm, which is something your 350-square-foot studio apartment in Manhattan is not, because heat costs money, and as a writer, you certainly do not have any of that.
8. Outside on the curb
This space is sanctioned for the crème-de la-crème. One day you’ll tell everyone during your SAG acceptance speech that “I remember when I was freezing out on that curb, down to my last dollar, thinking I was going to die.” You’ll also tell them that after years of plugging away at Starbucks, sitting everywhere from the window to the stockroom floor and literally being thrown out to that curb for begging for change, you managed to bump into a Hollywood director by complete chance. This same director who will inevitably steal your screenplay, claim it as their own, and give you a “contributing writer” mention in the credits of what will become the highest-grossing film in history.
Because if you’ve ever made it to the curb, you can successfully call yourself a writer.
