Yeah, you looked at my left hand, right? Yep. I got one of them overly thick black gunmetal wedding bands. That’s how us tough guys do it. I want you to know how insecure I am and how aggressively I verbally abuse my wife at the same time.
It won’t shock you to look up from that exact same hand, which is holding a crushed empty tallboy of Coors Heavy, and see an Alabama football shirt and then keep looking up to see a pair of the Oakley-ist of Oakleys you’ve ever seen. ROLL DAMN TIDE.
But yeah, I drive a truck. Big truck. Ford F-250. Lift kit. Dually. Diesel. I mean, you saw that tough-ass wedding ring. And yeah, my wife does pretend to love me and has extreme regrets about the decisions she made in youth.
Did I mention my cool-ass goatee?
Also, I’ve got a second ring made from the sweet ivory of a ten-point buck I shot. Well, to be precise my buddy shot it, but he gave me some of the venison to store in my Yeti. Yep. You read that right. I gots me a Yeti.
Can’t wait for Christmas this year. Mostly because of all this free venison that I’m gonna smoke in my Big Green Egg. Yep, you read that right. I’ve also got a Big Green Egg. But also for the stocking stuffers I got for all my family. I got my son his very own tactical flashlight. And my wife special batteries for that exact tactical flashlight. Because if we’re being honest, it’s my tactical flashlight that I bought for myself.
Also got me a new AR from Dick’s Sporting Goods. No clue how to use it or store it, but can’t be too safe these days, you know? It’s a very tactical weapon for very tactical circumstances. And it fits real good in the bed of my Ford F-250.
Speaking of, I should probably start making some of these payments on this pickup truck, but I think I’m gonna go get a tattoo of my favorite Godsmack album cover instead and then grab another tallboy of Coors Heavy.
