Mentor, OH — According to sources and staff at St. Steaven’s Mercy Hospital, new parents Lyndsie and Jakub Daniels who just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl had decided this past Thursday to give her a common name either spelled weird, missing a key letter or including a superfluous or unnecessary letter because, like, fuck the rest of her life.
Sources reported that the minute the young couple walked out the front doors with their gorgeous newborn the laughs and comments began flying. “Holy shit, what a couple of fucking assholes,” began their mid-wife, Stefany Cleary, ironically the first to speak out. “That poor girl is going to have to correct every misspelling of her name because they wanted something slightly original? Why didn’t they just go the Beyoncé route and go with Blue,” she continued, laughing. “Or go full out Gwyneth Paltrow and name that poor girl Apple? Jesus Christ, that sweet thing is gonna go through life hating those dickheads.”
RN Derreck Renner, just getting off his shift remarked to the receptionist, “She better get used to her name being spelled wrong on pretty much every public document containing her personal information. How oblivious can people get?”
Receptionist Janine Himes, laughing as she picked up the phone, mimicked a fake call: “Hello? Yes, this is she. No, that’s with an ‘a’ instead of the regular, universal, normal spelling. No, not at the end, before the ‘l.’ No, not the first ‘l’, the second one that doesn’t need to be there.” She laughed again as she hung up the phone, shaking her head. “Wow, what dumb fucks.”
Later, as most of the staff had cleared out, obstetrician, Dr. John Jones appeared in the front lobby, remarking to the on-duty nurse, “Original name, huh? Very creative.”