You asked, we delivered. After 20 years of field research, our multicultural team coming from various religious backgrounds has determined the definitive top ten worst places to be stabbed on planet Earth.
Here we go:
The Ten Worst Places in the World to Be Stabbed
10. The Dentist
If you’re bleeding, it’s your own fault. Maybe you should have flossed more often. Maybe you shouldn’t have been a dick in the waiting room. Either way, while not an ideal place to be stabbed, being technically in a doctor’s office makes this only #10 on our list. They probably know some real doctors they could call.
9. Temple
Look, nobody likes being schleped to temple, but you suck it up, alright? Do you think the people here care that some meschugena stuck some other schmoe with a little stainless steel? They’ve got their own problems, you better keep that to yourself. It takes a lot of chutzpah to come in here and interrupt the Rabbi with your death rattle. The nerve of some people…
8. A Knife Fight
The ratio of people stabbed in knife fights is higher than in any other everyday situation. Just because it’s a likely place to be stabbed, doesn’t make it a good one. Statistically, no one at a knife fight has any first aid training. Plus, it probably means you lost. Have fun bleeding out, loser.
7. In front of Your Ex
Oh man, this is always so embarrassing. And they’re with someone new? Ouch. What has it been, three weeks? You think, “Why don’t you just stick a knife in my back?” forgetting, just for a moment, that there’s already a knife in your thigh. As you slowly black out, your fading vision creates a picturesque vignette of the happy couple as one whispers to the other, “Oh god, I think he saw us.”
6. Funny Bone
Not so funny, is it? Haha, just kidding. Even though you didn’t get stabbed that hard, the blade hit just the right spot to make it hurt a LOT. That arm is going to be completely useless for at least twenty-five seconds. It’s kind of like how when you sit in a chair weird for too long and then when you get up somebody stabs you.
5. A Gun Fight
Well, it happened. Someone brought a knife to a gun fight, and somehow you’re the asshole. How do you even let that happen? What’s more damaged, your artery or your pride? If anyone here doesn’t die from bullet wounds or lead poisoning, the group chat is going to have a field day.
4. Halloween Party
We’ve officially made it to the “places you DEFINITELY don’t want to get stabbed” portion of our list. If you are stabbed in one of these locations, you should probably go to the hospital. So, you’ve been stabbed at a Halloween party. Now you’re a sexy, bloodstained Hamburgerlar. The guests are a little concerned, but no one is going to risk ruining the costume competition by calling an ambulance.
3. War
War is hell. It’s not likely improved by having a bayonet colonizing your internal organs. The peace sign on your jacket coupled with the “born to kill” written across your helmet may suggest something about the duality of man, but that gaping wound suggests you have minutes to live. I think one of those metaphors might overshadow the other.
2. The Theater of Pompey
You can’t trust anybody these days. Not even your old frat buddies. One minute, you’re all discussing the leadership of the Roman senate and the next? Shanked, skewered, and thrown away. Tossed like the titular salad. This location is especially hazardous. Locals have reported up to 23 stabbings in one day. Thankfully, there was only one casualty.
1. That spot in the middle of your back you can’t reach
Well, that’s just infuriating. It doesn’t matter how you twist or stretch, that deer-antler handle is always juuuuust out of your grasp. Good luck trying to sleep on your back. You’re going to have to find someone to help you, but the only other person here is that dude who stabbed you. Unless he’s made drastic revisions to his “knives in your back” policy, I think that might be a dead end.