FROM THE DESK OF DAWN CORLEONE (NO RELATION),
DIRECTOR OF THE EDWARD TEACH HISTORICAL MUSEUM
Dear museum staff, contributors, students of history, donation-givers, and donors,
As we all know, email has facilitated the easy transfer of information from one corner of the globe to another. Faster than you can say, “expensive lapse in judgment,” one can brighten the desktops of people across the country with useful updates. Ooo, a new salvaging expedition! Bleep-boop-beep, a marked decrease in revenue from museum ticket sales between 2016 and 2021! Unfortunately, I have recently been informed that an employee at the museum misused this medium to distribute a truly sordid retelling of the story of Blackbeard from the point of view of his first mate, all based on the characters of a popular HBO television show that will not be named in this memo.
Needless to say, our institution does not tolerate the erotic corruption of the life story of Edward Teach, nor does it support the violation of the copyright of a particularly litigious television network. We would also like to combat several historical inaccuracies within the text. Contrary to the assertions of the story, there are no new findings that Teach engaged in arm wrestling competitions with his crew, for which the prizes were a full-palm smack of Blackbeard’s bottom and a “go” on a pile of seaweed molded to resemble a “half manatee, half Sebastian the crab.” Equally as disputable is a scene recounting the despondent first mate looking into a cracked mirror:
“He wiped his puffy sleevy thing on his face which was a good idea because his old-timey mascara was running but also kinda a bad idea cuz they didn’t invent doing laundry yet. He was crying. “You’ll never be good enough for Blackbeard because Blackbeard is hot and has dump-truck booty and a cool ship and gun. Oh, your crying? That’s right, cry you ship-less snotty baby man. Cry!’”
The sixteen pages dedicated to the softness of Blackbeard’s eyes, lashes, “ginormous, jiggly dumper,” etc. strike me as most divergent from the historical record.
It is our sincere hope that our generous patrons continue to supplement the museum’s dwindling budget in the face of an amount of litigation our exhausted legal team has described as “a Cthulhu-level dick peeling.” To secure your trust, I plan on taking the time to personally helm an investigation into the distribution of “Blackbeard: The Thiccie with the Blicky.” Rest assured, “DaPir8Daddi@hpic.arrr” will face the full weight of their supervisor’s punitive abilities. The staff at the Edward Teach Historical Museum appreciates your patience and begs for your discretion as we get to the bottom of this incident.
And to the anonymous donor who wired us $1,000 with a subject line asking for a second chapter, we will not “keep it comin’” with “the nasty stuff.”