It seems like you’re taking your own life into your hands crossing the street these days. Drivers rush down quiet streets, literally leaving you in the dust as they pass. That’s unfortunate for kids who want to play outside, and not get run over by a jackass in a Dodge Ram.
Well, kids, you don’t have to take this sitting down. Here are six traffic-calming tips to reclaim the road:
1. Don’t Invite Your City Councillor to Addie’s Birthday Party
Petitions don’t work. Strongly worded emails don’t either. And teasing Councillor Mel Hartnell about his pleated khakis definitely didn’t work. Now you must hit him where it hurts: not inviting him to Addie’s princess birthday party. That should show him. Your local councillor will practically be installing speed bumps himself just to ride the pony her parents rented for the party.
2. Lego Tire Spikes
If one randomly placed Lego piece can bring a full-grown adult to their knees, then imagine many pieces used as tire spikes. If you build It correctly, you could take down a Mack truck. Those motorists will avoid your street like a trip to the dentist. Looks like you’ll get to use the tech skills you learned at S.T.E.M. camp after all.
3. Host a Slumber Party in the Middle of the Street
Slumber parties are great – sleeping bags, delicious snacks, and scary stories all night. If a group of kids sprawled out on Jackson’s living room floor could prevent his dad from watching the Red Sox game in his own house, then a larger group of kids should be able to block oncoming traffic. Be sure to invite everyone – everyone except Councillor Hartnell, of course.
4. Mafia-style Ambush with Nerf Guns
The ol’ “Sonny Corleone.” If this can take down one of the key members of the Corleone family, then it should be able to work on a douchebag with a BMW. All you need is a toll booth, a posse dressed in dark gangster clothing, and a shit-ton of Nerf darts. Make sure drivers come to a complete stop, and bada bing – show those jerks you’re not impressed with their luxury automobile with surprisingly painful darts.
5. Hockey Balls with Bombs in Puck
We’re all tired of street hockey games being interrupted by reckless drivers. Well, put an end to that by placing a bomb in the road hockey ball that explodes when hitting over 60 km/h (or 37 mph). The kids of the neighborhood will be able to work on their shooting skills and drivers won’t dare to drive down your street. She shoots, they explode!
6. Start a Petition to Change Councillor Hartnell’s Name
Councillor Hartnell is getting back at you for not inviting him to Addie’s princess birthday by sending your traffic measure claims through bureaucratic hell. The paperwork never seems to end. Now it’s time to play hardball by starting a petition to rename your local councillor. Councillor Mel Hartnell won’t know what hit him when everyone starts calling him Councillor “Smell Fartnell!”
