Bright and warm the sun now shines out of my ass, every single morning! You want to know why? I totally stopped drinking coffee and now I have a celestial body peaking through my anus every damn day.
It is spectacular.
It’s really hard to hide the radiant glow of a backside when all you own is organic cotton pants, so don’t feel shy about inquiring about my bright anal shine. Ask away! I love more than anything to talk about how this happened and all of the other magnificent results of ceasing the intake of coffee, that delicious brown nectar of the gods.
And what a gift! I mean, don’t we all love that one person who is always willing to impart their immense wisdom on anyone remotely within earshot, all the time? See, through no fault of my own I developed a bleeding ulcer. Crazy, huh? Who knew taking in daily gallons of the acidic but oh so delicious elixir of life would lead to the destruction of my small intestines?!
It was clear I needed to do what I knew was best for my body, and ultimately the world, and just stop drinking coffee. But honestly, I had no idea I would gain such wisdom, insight and radiant power from this one simple life choice. It was early during the first day of coffee detox that I noticed a gentle warmth and peculiar glow in the region of my ass. I was yet unaware of what was happening and, fearing an embarrassing physical ailment, I kept it to myself.
By the second day, I was sure of this new amazing power growing in my meaty haunches and I could no longer keep it to myself. I had to tell anyone who would look my way at the cafe, where I was wafting the delicate aroma of roasting beans to my hungry nostrils, to shield their eyes and then bask in the mighty glow of my uncaffeinated superiority.
But it didn’t end there. Oh, no no no. Cutting the java out of my life opened a gate to a realm of such mystical power and raw potential for bragging that my now luminous derrière was soon followed by a deep intellect I had never possessed before. It was an intellect so broad and vast that I felt it was my duty to share it with the world and the stranger next to me on the bus. And the guy in line in front of me at the grocery co-op.
And also with the woman and her children in line at Walmart. You know, where they only ever have one register open and the shitty lighting detracts cruelly from the glorious illumination provided by the Magnificent and Almighty Quitter of Coffee and Possessor of the Solar Situpon!
I mean me. Of course.
Another utterly amazing and newsworthy development in my body after I stopped drinking coffee was the ability to fall asleep abso-fucking-lutely anywhere! Truly, in any circumstance, I could now nod off instantly.
It’s like a superpower, really. For instance, it could be during any conversation that attempts to deviate from discussing my phenomenal achievement. Or perhaps when I am derailed while pontificating on my new mental clarity and humble enlightenment through the elimination of the coffee bean from my life. I can now engage a loud and immediate, obnoxious snore absolutely anytime I want!
I don’t know why no one else has done this before. Everyone should stop drinking coffee this immediate instant! RIGHT FUCKING NOW! Put down your cleverly embossed mugs of joe and flavorful aromatic lattes. Walk away from those full-bodied and steamy, sensual brews.
I do not lie! Join me at the altar of ultimate freedom and the sun too shall shine out of your ass!
Sure I might still be getting wicked withdrawal headaches and it might be putting a real damper on my ability to continuously exclaim about my extremely incandescent and celestial asshole, which is why I’m going to ask you to do me a solid. On your journey to join me here in enlightened freedom from caffeine incarceration can you swing past Dunkin’ and grab me a large, black cold brew?
No cream, no sugar.
