1. Soggy leftovers from last night’s Taco Bell run, because saving money is smart.
2. Lots of mac and cheese, because carbohydrates induce sleep and getting enough sleep is important.
3. Hallucinatory cookie dough, because vivid imagery is the first step to unleashing your creativity.
4. Quintuple chocolate lava cakes inspired by a blurb about ancient Mesopotamia, because back then they were way more fit.
5. Jell-O, because the brain is Jell-O but smarter. More Jell-O equals bigger brain equals bigger and more tremendous smarts.
6. Rancid celery guaranteed to sing tunes in the belly, because playing Mozart 24/7 makes babies become Nobel Laureates. And if you’re not pregnant, your gut bacteria will be pleased.
7. Fusilli noodles with the bod of 1980’s Arnold Schwarzenegger and the head of Albert Einstein, tongue out of course, because you are what you eat.
8. Bacon, because it cures cancer and nosebleeds.
9. Anything but bacon, because it, not bacon, cures cancer. Maybe not nosebleeds. Unless it’s coffee. Or wine.
10. You know, maybe wine mixed with coffee mixed with all the other stuff would be better, because then you’re doubling down on all the anti-cancer and anti-nosebleed properties, and in effect synthesizing an all-natural superfood unlike any ever known to man. Aw heck, throw in the bacon, too.