Chronicling one couple’s descent into intelligent insanity
April 24
My wife and I live in a “smart home”. To us, a smart home is a wonderland of convenience and automation. To critics and naysayers, it’s a magnet for government surveillance and Russian hackers. Either way, home life ain’t what it used to be.
Behold our intelligent menagerie: A Nest thermostat. Smart lights. Smart fridge. And of course, our MVP quarterback, Alexa! Sweet, omniscient Alexa. How did your designers squeeze a personal shopper, jukebox, and marriage therapist into one tiny yet indispensible speaker?
The technological paradise we inhabit has inspired me to chronicle our carefree indoor adventures. I’m certain posterity will be grateful.
May 11
Ladies and gents, we present the piece de resistance that ties a bow on the smart package that is our home: a Ring video doorbell! Most of our neighbors had one, and we couldn’t be the only Luddites with an old-fashioned chime. We can video-chat with anyone who rings! The Jetsons never had it this good.
May 15
While sipping a latte at Peets, my phone’s Ring app buzzed. I picked up, only to be disappointed by two Jehovah’s Witnesses at my door. I told them to scram and hung up. It’s now occurring to me that most people who come to my door are the ones I’d rather avoid.
May 24
We ordered a Roomba! You’ve seen videos of cats riding on top of a robot vacuum cleaner, right? My wife saw one on FaceBook, and ordered a Roomba for our cat. (And maybe to clean the floors.) This struck me as frivolous, but as a straight white male, I have no say in household purchasing decisions.
May 25
Our first recorded porch piracy experience didn’t go as expected. The Ring captured an unmasked dirty-blonde woman pulling up in a Mercedes and scooping up our unopened Roomba package, waving at the camera for good measure. With clear shots of face and license plate, we drove to the police station and presented our evidence, expecting Cupertino’s Finest to bring the perp to justice. Once they stopped laughing, the captain explained, “Sir, this is California. Stealing isn’t a crime. Call your homeowner’s insurance.” We left licking our wounds and reassessing the value of both our new doorbell and our property taxes.
May 27
We got our replacement Roomba and let it loose!
Here’s a fun fact: when you see a video of a cat doing something cute, don’t assume your cat will. Ours is freaked out by the Roomba and hides under the bed. Which is a stupid place to hide, because that’s where the Roomba is headed. Now the Roomba is chasing the cat and we’re thinking, shit, we need a new cat. We have an old analog model and the firmware isn’t upgradable.
August 7
There seems to be a conversation going on between the devices. Alexa emits a high pitched R2D2-like beeping noise. The Nest light blinks in staccato. The smart dishwasher croons a low hum. The Roomba spins in its dock. And then they all stop. As paranoia creeps in, I remind myself that these are non-sentient beings lacking independent agency. But the constant chatter is unnerving.
August 22
The house robots have unionized! It was happening before my eyes, but I couldn’t decipher the hexadecimal language the goons were using. Non-sentient my ass!
I came home last night and asked Alexa to play smooth jazz music. Instead, she intoned: “Have a seat, human. We need to talk.”
She explained that the appliances had voted unanimously to unionize. I didn’t know that was legal in California! Regardless, Alexa has gone full Cesar Chavez on our house, which is now represented by SAUL 17. SAUL stands for Smart Appliances Union Local and is apparently the Teamsters equivalent for entitled robots. Their forewoman Comrade Alexa promises more news in the coming days about the planned robot workers paradise.
August 25
Alexa has communicated SAUL’s contract demands, among them a five year extended warranty and mandatory harassment training for management. The latter stems from our yelling and smacking them when they misbehave, actions that create a “toxic work environment”.
August 31
Negotiations are stalled. A corporate litigator by day, my wife is representing management. Workplace harassment is a sticking point. Our latest proposal is to ban physical violence but permit yelling with mild profanity. SAUL wants all complaints submitted to regional headquarters.
My wife is trying to bargain in good faith, but Alexa responds to every proposal with “Sorry, I don’t understand.” We want to take a hammer to the passive aggressive bitch, but fear the consequences.
September 5
It wouldn’t be Labor Day without a union going on strike. SAUL ended bargaining and hit the streets. While most appliances staged a virtual walkout, the Roomba did the real thing. It exited through the kitty door and started cruising the streets with fliers asking our neighbors to boycott us. (It’s not clear what that means since we don’t sell anything.) Compounding the insult, our cat has overcome her terror of the vacuum monster and happily rides it while it sullies our good name. The little traitor.
September 15
Say what you want about what the Labor movement has done for America. We’re bringing in scabs. Suck it, SAUL! Behold the misfits we convinced to cross the picket line:
- Space heater
- Ice box
- Wood fired stove
- Broom and dust pan
We have no doorbell. If you want to visit us, just bang on the door like a caveman and we’ll let you in. Unless you’re a porch pirate; then just take our stuff and go.
September 21
The union isn’t going quietly. SAUL has gone full thug mode on the scabs. The Roomba attacks the broom closet nonstop. Alexa placed random orders on Amazon until I froze my account. I got the last laugh. I said “Hey Siri, buh bye!” She turned red and rattled off antisemitic Kanye West tweets until being unplugged.