Mike Funk – Mike Fink wrestled alligators, but Mike Funk just wrestled with his emotions in public.
Johnny Torrentseed – Like Johnny Appleseed before him, the quasi-eponymous things he spread did have the occasional worm in them.
Annie Cokely – Annie Oakley was the best shot in the west, but Annie Cokely was the worst shot in the dive bar bathroom. People paid money to see Annie Oakley shoot, but people only wished there was some way to unsee what Annie Cokely did in there.
John Hungry – John Henry pushed himself too far at the Big Bend Tunnel. John Hungry pushed himself too far at the Golden Corral buffet. Both men died with their tools in their hands. Henry had a hammer; Hungry had a fork in a rather important artery.
Jackmeister46 – The legendary Jack slew giants. Jackmeister46 just slew you over and over again at Fortnite.
Paul Bunion – Paul Bunyan had an ox named Blue, while Paul Bunion was just nicknamed Ox in college and blew a hole out in his sock. (But not in the way you might think.)
Pectoral Bill – Like Pecos Bill, Pectoral Bill could ride a tornado. Sure, his was a stationary bike instead of a severe weather event, but at least he didn’t neglect leg day.
Casey Jonesing – Casey Jones sacrificed his life by pulling the brake to stop an out-of-control train. The only time Casey Jonesing ever put a brake on anything was right before he got under that car and stole its catalytic converter.
