Look out, ladies. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and this year I’m single and ready to mingle. Yup. That’s right. Your old pal Dan just got a new haircut and a pair of chinos from Uniqlo… and he’s about to dive headfirst into the dating pool.
But if you wanna get with me girl, then you better be watch out. Because I’m the kind of guy your mom warned you about…
That is… if your mom warned you about guys who are really, really (really) into solving riddles.
Because that’s my deal.
I’m the riddle guy.
And if your mom hates that, then you better stay the heck away from me!
Girl, when you were younger, did your mom warn you about bad boys? Did she warn you about tough guys who love to break the law? Did she warn you about those macho, devil-may-care renegades who come from the wrong side of the train tracks?
Well, good news, girl…
Because I’m not that guy.
But if your mom warned you about guys who love solving riddles… and puzzles… and escape rooms… and Sporcle quizzes… and the New York Times daily crossword puzzle…
Then you better stay the heck away from me, girl.
Because I’m your mom’s worst nightmare. If your mom has nightmares about guys who love solving riddles. Otherwise, I’m probably not even a blip on her horizon!
Yeah, I’m a wild card, girl (wild about riddles, that is). I don’t smoke cigarettes. Or smoke weed. Or eat fatty foods. Or drive a motorcycle. Or wear leather. Or tip my waiter less than 20%. Or go to bed after 10:30 p.m. on weekdays.
Ooh, yeah. I’m a coward, girl.
Except for my love of brainteasers.
And if your mom has an inexplicable phobia about this one, super-specific character quirk… then that’s gonna be a real deal breaker, girl. Because I’m the Danny freaking Zuko of riddles, babe. Which is to say that I’ve got a dangerous need to solve ‘em!
Do I have an expansive, ever-growing collection of puzzle boxes on the coffee table of my studio apartment? Yup.
Do I reread Dan Brown books just because I enjoyed the riddles in them so much the first time? You bet your ass I do
And do I illegally download new episodes of Jeopardy every Sunday just to see if I can solve the questions faster than the contestants?
What is, “Hell yes, girl”?
And I’m sorry, but if you come from a household where any of these specific, riddle-loving character traits are deemed “dangerous” or “menacing” or “intimidating,” then, spoiler alert, it is not going to work out between us.
Anyways. Just thought I’d warn you, girl. Before things get too intense. Before I break your heart (faster than I break New York Times crossword-puzzle-solving speed records). Before your mom has the chance to say, “Wait, are you dating that weird puzzle guy again? I really don’t like that guy.”
Also, on a related note, if your mom hates guys who have written 40,000-word books about the cultural history of mini golf… then she’s gonna have a freaking conniption when she meets me, girl!