Okay, that’s a lie.
Interviewer #1: Before we get started, can I offer you anything to drink?
Me: No, that’s okay, I had more than enough to drink last night.
Interviewer #1: I meant water.
Me: Oh. Well, in that case, definitely not.
Interviewer #2 (Coughs): Why don’t you tell us a little bit about yourself?
Me: Sure. I’m 5’11”, a Sagittarius… sorry, I don’t know why I said that I’m a little nervous.
Interviewer #2 (Smiles): That’s ok, humor sometimes helps break the tension. Why don’t you start again.
Me: Thanks. I’m actually an Aquarius. I said I was a Sagittarius because I didn’t want you to think I was the typical flakey Aquarius. I think Sagittariuses are more smart, don’t you?
Interviewer #2: (“More smart?”) Mr. O’Reilly, this is a job interview…
Me: Yes, that’s why my height is so important. I’m actually five-ten and a half. I shouldn’t have lied, but I worry adding the extra half inch makes me sound insecure. I’m not and I’ll fight anyone who says I am! Sorry, my horoscope did warn me about mood swings today. You have to be happy with who you are right? But I’ll be damned if I’m going to say I’m shorter than I am!
Interviewer #2: Mr. O’Reilly if you could…
Me: Did you know taller men make more money? I don’t know how much a half inch is worth, but it’s got to be at least an extra 10 grand a year, don’t you think? Am I pricing myself out of the market by saying that? If it is 10 grand for every half inch, I want to go back to being 5-11. No, make it 6 feet. I’ll just wear lifts.
Interviewer #2: Mr. O’Reilly…
Me: On the other hand, if being that tall would mean I’d be asking for too much, I can slouch down to five-nine. I might even be able to get down to five-eight if I bend my knees.
Interviewer #3 (Uncertainly): Uh… maybe we should move onto another topic. Why don’t you tell us what attracted you to this role?
Me: Sure. Uhm, you pay money, right? That.
Interviewer #3 (laughs): You certainly have a great sense of humor. (whispers under his breath) at least I hope that’s what this is. Money is important, but what are you passionate about? What gets you up in the morning?
Me: Money and a full bladder. (Looks around the room) I’m really nailing this. Hit me with another.
Interviewer #1 (Pinches bridge of his nose): What do you know about our company?
Me: Only what I’ve read online and that you’re not very good at screening resumes.
Interviewer #1: What?
Me: What?
Interviewer #2: Mr. O’Reilly, this is a very technical job. Tell me why we would hire you instead of one of the other candidates.
Me: I don’t know. Are they very good? The ones in the lobby looked a little bookish if you ask me. I don’t want to say they’re nerds, but I don’t think I’ll be having to bring my own lunch money if you know what I mean (winks).
Interviewer #3: What she means is what makes you more qualified than the other candidates?
Me: Oh. I have no idea; I haven’t met any of the others. Wait, if the ones in the lobby are typical, I’m pretty sure I can bench more. Is that good?
Interviewer #1: Let’s try a different line of questioning, shall we? What are your strengths?
Me: You heard me say that I can bench a lot, right? Ok, I’m also very honest. Well, I mean not very honest, but honest…ish.
Interviewer #1: Ok, do you have any weaknesses?
Me (Laughs): Boy, do I… (stops laughing) I mean… a few.
Interviewer #1: Ok, can you give us an example?
Me: Well, I wouldn’t say I’m lazy because I’ll be damned if I’m going to agree with my old boss. What a jackass! On the other hand, I just said I was honest, so… Can we go back to talking about money? That’s my favorite topic. Oh, I guess that’s what I’m passionate about. Is it too late to change my answer?
Interviewer #2: Why don’t we try a few hypothetical situations?
Me: Great, lying… I mean thinking creatively (winks) is also one of my strengths.
Interviewer #2: Suppose you had a disagreement with a coworker, how would you resolve it?
Me: Are there many security cameras in the building? Never mind. Uh, I would try to discuss the issue and come to some kind of compromise?
Interviewer #2: Is that a question?
Me: I don’t know, is it? Sorry, the interview advice I read online said to ask a lot of questions… or did it?
Interviewer #3 (Stacking papers and preparing to leave): Normally these interviews go much longer but I think we have enough to make a decision.
Me: I’m doing that well, eh? Is it my turn to ask questions?
Interviewer #3 (Cocking head and looking perplexed): Sure, why not, I can’t see the harm it could do to your chances.
Me: Have I said anything that makes you think I’m not the best candidate for the job?
Interviewer #3: (Under his breath) I spoke too soon. No, I can’t think of one single thing you said that would be a concern. Anything else?
Me: Just one thing, I can’t start work before 11 am because I’m usually hung over and all my old bosses got mad when I slept at my desk. I’m happy to (make air quotes with fingers) work from home if that helps.
Interviewer #1: Thank you, Mr. O’Reilly, I think we’ve heard enough.
Me: Great! (Looks around the room) This went better than I hoped. Maybe I will take you up on that drink after all.
Interviewer #2 (Standing up and gathering his things): Perhaps another time.
Me: That’s ok (reaches into briefcase and pulls out a flask), I brought my own. (Raises flask and looks around the room) Anyone want a swig?