WASHINGTON – As the weather turns autumnal and the presidential election heads into its final sprint, Republican candidate Donald Trump is seeking to bolster his ailing numbers among educated white women by promising to roll out a limited-edition, seasonal “pumpkin spice” version of himself, his top advisors have reported.
“Mr. Trump will mark the beauty and majesty of America’s changing seasons by making himself available in a cozy, annual pumpkin spice version,” campaign manager Kellyanne Conway reported. “As white, college-educated female voters contemplate their choice for the next president of the United States, they should remember that a Trump victory will immediately put into effect the warm, simmering essence of the deliciously spiced fall favorite, which will be unleashed and exuded by Mr. Trump’s powerful pumpkin mojo across all 50 states, pleasantly enveloping American women on chilly nights like that favorite old cardigan.”
Both Conway and Trump declined to divulge any actionable details as to how exactly Mr. Trump would manage to waft the soothing, delightful essence of pumpkin spice across the entire country. When pressed for details of his plan, Trump only remarked that “It’s gonna be great for you gals” and “It’s gonna happen so fast, it’ll make your head spin, just like that disgusting she-bitch from The Exorcist.”
Trump said he is uniquely qualified to “go all Pumpkin as fuck” due to his far-reaching personal charisma and his natural affinity for the season in which America’s once-proud landscape slowly withers and dies while being overtaken by a tacky, frankly embarrassing shade of orange.
“Fall is the season of Donald Trump,” Conway said. “Just look at the bright orange foliage of the treetops, the ephemeral beauty of leaves illuminating the sky like the tresses of Mr. Trump’s own noble coif. It is as though nature itself is voting for him, ladies. Shouldn’t you?”
Conway added: “Unlike the leaves, though, Mr. Trump’s hair will never fall out. It’s glued on.”
As has been the case with all of Trump’s other plans for America, the candidate argued that offering even the slightest details of his secret “Trumpkin Spice Plan” would make the plan accessible to his competitors.
“I’m not going to tell you, so stop grimacing at me like a jack o’lantern,” Trump told a carved pumpkin with which he was rehearsing his upcoming debate with Hillary Clinton. “Geez, you’ve got pumpkin seeds coming out of your eyes. You’ve got pumpkin seeds coming out of your…wherever.”
After the fall season concludes, Trump will reportedly return to his popular “Classic Trump” essence, which features robust, unsubtle notes of pathological narcissism, immigrant tears and bullshit.