4 Donalds More Qualified to Be President Than Donald Trump
Oct05

4 Donalds More Qualified to Be President Than Donald Trump

The GOP has really done it this time. Out of the many candidates to choose from, they managed to find the least-qualified of the bunch, and now it’s far too late to dump Trump and change his name on each state’s ballots. Or is it? By nominating a far more qualified candidate who happens to have the same first name, you could make the shift without causing too much voter confusion. Here are a few options. Donnie Wahlberg Does Donnie...

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Donald Trump [Insert Ridiculous Thing He Hopefully Hasn’t Already Said or Done]
Aug10

Donald Trump [Insert Ridiculous Thing He Hopefully Hasn’t Already Said or Done]

[INSERT LOCATION] – At a press conference this morning, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump [insert joke about something insane he said or did] setting off yet another controversy for the candidate. “I can’t believe he [here is where I could make a joke about him yelling at a baby, but no, he goddamn did that in real life],” expressed registered voter Claire Lee. “This whole campaign was already getting out of hand. And...

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John Kasich Still Wandering Into Diners Hoping to Score Free Meal
May10

John Kasich Still Wandering Into Diners Hoping to Score Free Meal

PORTLAND, Ore. – Patrons of Davey’s Diner got a special treat Tuesday, as former Republican presidential candidate John Kasich visited the establishment, meandering around the counter, engaging with people and making vague speeches until a waitress finally gave him a free bowl of soup. “I just feel so humbled to be with all of you today,” Kasich said, glancing behind himself to make sure the diner’s...

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Dammit, I’m Gonna Have to Explain Donald Trump to My Grandchildren
Mar08

Dammit, I’m Gonna Have to Explain Donald Trump to My Grandchildren

“Grandpa, why were people so embarrassingly stupid back in your day?” That’s quite a thing for a precocious little boy or girl to ask his/her grandfather, but I know it’s coming. For every state Donald Trump wins this Republican primary season, I grow closer to the dark realization that I will one day have to answer for just what in the hell people were thinking in the year 2016. Now, I know my grandchildren...

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High School Friend Presumed Republican
Mar01

High School Friend Presumed Republican

AKRON, Ohio – Citing numerous status updates and linked articles from the Drudge Report over the past five years, Ben Jeppers has come to the conclusion that Clint Howitz, his friend from high school, is now a Republican. “It all started when I noticed a post on his wall that mentioned some good things about John McCain,” Jeppers said. “This was back when we were all young and everyone was still on the Obama hype train, so I...

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