Rapper Eve Pretty Goddamn Tired of ‘Merry Christmas, Eve!’ Jokes
Dec16

Rapper Eve Pretty Goddamn Tired of ‘Merry Christmas, Eve!’ Jokes

NEW YORK CITY – In what is a joyous time for billions of people around the world, Grammy-winning rapper Eve Jeffers-Cooper (better known as Eve) is reportedly getting pretty fucking tired of people thinking they’re clever for connecting her name with December 24th, also known as Christmas Eve. “It was so great as a kid,” said Eve, who also starred in all three Barbershop films. “It was the coolest thing to have a fun name like...

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Alabama as Surprised as You
Dec13

Alabama as Surprised as You

MONTGOMERY, Ala. – Following the stunning upset by Democrat Doug Jones in last night’s special Senate election, Alabamians announced to the nation that no one was more shocked at the outcome than them. “Look, on the one hand we had a racist, sexist, homophobic child molester, and on the other a Democrat. This should have been a landslide,” said Grove Hill resident Bill Shepherd. “What the hell happened?” Though Roy Moore had...

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Al Franken Establishes Residence in Alabama, Eyeing 2020 Senate Run
Dec08

Al Franken Establishes Residence in Alabama, Eyeing 2020 Senate Run

WASHINGTON – After announcing his resignation yesterday, Minnesota Senator Al Franken has reportedly purchased a home in Greenville, Alabama. “I like the way they think down there,” said Franken. “Their moral character, their unwavering support for those in positions of leadership and entertainment is really inspirational.” Some critics of the move accuse him of taking advantage of the current political...

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Blackened Banana in Freezer Doubts It’ll Ever Be Used to Make Bread
Dec05

Blackened Banana in Freezer Doubts It’ll Ever Be Used to Make Bread

DES MOINES, Iowa – Three months after being relegated to the freezer because it wasn’t consumed fast enough, a now rock-hard banana is beginning to fear that it may never be used to make banana bread, sources are reporting. The overripe banana, which was placed in the freezer door’s bottom shelf this summer, believes it has been forgotten and as a result won’t be a part of any sort of recipe any time soon, as it had previously...

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Willy Wonka Selects Newest Child Vessel
Dec01

Willy Wonka Selects Newest Child Vessel

LONDON – The wait is over! Famed chocolatier and Warden of the 9th Interdimensional Rift Willy Wonka has at last selected his newest child vessel, with the honor going to one Dylan Mullaney of Grand Rapids, Michigan! As is customary, a plume of blood-red smoke billowed from the Wonka factory today indicating that a new, unblemished soul-cask had been chosen to host Mr. Wonka’s immortal essence. The selection of Mullaney had long...

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Man Wakes Up From 17-Year Coma Speaking Fluent Smash Mouth
Nov30

Man Wakes Up From 17-Year Coma Speaking Fluent Smash Mouth

BOSTON – Yesterday, Mark Evans woke up from a coma more than seventeen years after a horrific car crash that almost claimed his life speaking fluent Smash Mouth. The 35-year-old woke up with bed sores and said to a nearby nurse, “Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me.” The nurse adjusted his bedding then quickly contacted his family. When asked about the accident that led to his coma, Mark explained “I...

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