Author: The Robot Butt Staff

WASHINGTON – Recently, Robot Butt was approached by an individual claiming that Republican Senate hopeful Roy Moore dated Heffalumps and Woozles while he was a district attorney in Alabama in the 1970’s. Robot Butt determined these allegations were false because, come on, and when we confronted the source we learned it was a sting operation put together by Project Veritas ringleader James O’Keefe, who is really bad at this. The source of these allegations came from a 40-year-old man in a purple unicorn onesie named “Bob” who claimed to be a Heffalump. He stated that Moore had taken him out on…

White House chief strategist, actual President of the United States, and white supremacist Steve Bannon looks like: Bill Belichick if he let himself go Your high school janitor who got arrested one day A guy the mob would call “Jimmy Sleazebag” Rex Ryan with acne scars The actor playing Jabba the Hutt in a local community theater production of Star Wars Every Alabama sheriff from 1933 to 1987 A pile of cat puke that you forgot about cleaning for a few days One of those horrifying “this is what a cartoon character would look like in real life” depictions An…

The Golden Globes are on tonight, and you’ve just gotta tune in! Here are five reasons why: 1) It’s pretty simple, really. If you don’t watch every second of this self-indulgent Hollywood circle jerk, you’re going to die. That’s not just us being hyperbolic. It’s actually going to happen. Don’t ask how we know this, but we do. We’ve never steered you in the wrong direction before, so why would you risk it on something as important as your own life? 2) We really can’t say why your life is in danger, or what’s going to happen if you flip…

When you talk about the great sitcoms of the ’90s, you can’t forget Home Improvement. The family comedy was a highly rated staple for years, thanks to Tim Allen’s relatable gruff character and the hijinks that ensued with his family. And for a show that lasted eight seasons, you can bet there is a ton of trivia about its production. And even if you’re a die-hard fan, there is still a TON of trivia you never knew about! Lucky for you, we compiled ten incredible tidbits about the show that will have you saying “AEEEUHHH?!” 1. Originally, Tim “The Tool Man”…

Sure, you know about the billy goat and Steve Bartman. But the Chicago Cubs haven’t won a World Series in 108 years; you had to know there were a bunch of other curses placed on the team and its fans throughout the years. Oh, you didn’t? Then you better start reading. Here are ten Chicago Cubs curses you didn’t know about: The Curse of Harry Caray Following Harry Caray’s death in 1998, all burgers within Wrigley Field have been cursed and eating them leads to illness and frightening hallucinations. Caray’s devout Hinduism led him to regularly proclaim “Holy cow!” during…

Classic Crème Brûlée The firm crust and soft, warm center of this delectable crème brûlée from the Gourdine Bistro has made a lot of Birmingham residents uncomfortable, and for good reason. Stop by some afternoon and slide a spoon inside to understand the controversy firsthand – but you better hurry. Proposition 206 gets voted on in November! Cannoli With Chocolate Shavings and Black Cherries Selma’s famed Antonio’s Restaurant is responsible for this long, plump cannoli that tastes so sweet as it slides down your throat. And though proprietor Anthony Vigorelli is currently under indictment for state obscenity charges, he’s…

1. Check your breath and clothes for the smell of alcohol. Nothing? That’s good. That’s good. You’ve held out for nearly two months now. This is something else. 2. Is that a freshly dug, human-sized grave in the dirt over there or just a pretty big hole? Spatters of blood in and around the area might provide some insight. 3. Take a deep breath and retrace your steps. If you stumble over a lifeless body, congratulations, you found a clue! Your concept of reality should begin to unravel from there. 4. Don’t think about that pile of teeth back there. Just…don’t. 5. Try…

Can you believe Halloween is nearly here once again? It snuck up on us too, but if you’re planning to put razor blades into all the candy you’ll be passing out this year, don’t be left unprepared! With these eight essential tips, you’ll be ready for all of the neighborhood children come Halloween night: 1. All hard candies are out, obviously. Unless you’ve taken the time to build your own confectionary lab in your basement and can design a hard candy around a razor blade, stick to the soft stuff! 2. Most novices prefer small safety razors, but old pros know that…

Through some deep connections, we were able to acquire a bevy of original Star Trek: The Next Generation scripts, many of which were first drafts before any edits were made. That means there is a TON of brand-new material in them, including some eventually scrapped captain’s logs, like these: Captain’s Log, Stardate 53391.3: The Enterprise has just departed from Starbase 831. They had a primitive mechanism for disposing of human waste. I took my best guess and deposited mine in the rectangular porcelain tank that sat above an equally strange round bowl full of water. I only hope that they are…

The internet was set ablaze Monday with a viral video of a man having sexual intercourse with his McDonald’s McChicken sandwich. People were horrified at the sight of the man banging the McChicken, likely as a diversionary tactic to mask their own carnal desire to fuck their favorite food. Here at Robot Butt, we weren’t horrified by what we saw. No, we absolutely want to celebrate a man’s ability to openly share how he embodies the #LoveIsLove movement, but we do want to set the record straight on something: a McChicken is NOT the most fuckable food out there. Is…