1. Oakland Raiders at Tennessee Titans
Raiders: Need to hope their defense can catch up to the offensive success they’ve had in the first two weeks.
Titans: Hope that Oakland QB Derek Carr lets his brother David suit up in his place to “lose one for old time’s sake.”
2. Detroit Lions at Green Bay Packers
Lions: Match last year’s success of snapping a 24-game road losing streak to the Packers with pressure on the quarterback and explosive offense.
Packers: Show up to the stadium on time.
3. Minnesota Vikings at Carolina Panthers
Panthers: Continue to dominate both sides of the line and exploit mismatches with tight end Greg Olsen.
Vikings: Find a young fan in the stands waiting to be given a touchdown ball from Cam Newton and welcome him with a steaming hot cup of joe to the face.
4. Arizona Cardinals at Buffalo Bills
Cardinals: Take that defensive show on the road and continue to pressure the QB and make big plays.
Bills: Hope that the Cardinals don’t make it to the stadium because the pilot refuses to believe that a group of people with wealth and status would possibly want to go to Buffalo. He chuckles good-naturedly as they desperately try to appeal to him and takes them to Miami.
5. Los Angeles Rams at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Buccaneers: Stop RB Todd Gurley from getting going early and keep the Rams one-dimensional.
Rams: Keep pressure on QB Jameis Winston to make him look like an absolute moron who has no idea what he’s doing. It really doesn’t take much.
6. San Francisco 49ers at Seattle Seahawks
Seahawks: Need to get their run game going to set up more explosive pass plays from Wilson to Baldwin.
49ers: Need to hope that in solidarity with Colin Kaepernick, the entire Seahawks team kneels during the national anthem and just kinda stays there the rest of the game.
7. Pittsburgh Steelers at Philadelphia Eagles
Eagles: Coach Doug Pederson needs to continue getting creative and exploit the offensive talent that Chip Kelly left behind.
Steelers: Coach Mike Tomlin needs to continue to allow QB Ben Roethlisberger to exploit vulnerable young women and keep his mojo flowin’.
8. Denver Broncos at Cincinnati Bengals
Broncos: Keep the running game strong and allow surprise no-name QB Trevor Siemian to continue his development in a hostile environment.
Bengals: Make it difficult for the visiting Broncos – normally used to the thin air of Denver – by pumping excess oxygen into the stadium and hope it causes them to break out into seizures or some other fucked-up shit. There’s no scientific evidence to back this but why not give it a shot!
9. San Diego Chargers at Indianapolis Colts
Chargers: Have a short memory about the missed opportunity in Week One and play like a 2-0 team.
Colts: Have the defense show the professional courtesy of “a tackle or two” like they used to do for Peyton Manning.
10. New York Jets at Kansas City Chiefs
Jets: Control both lines of scrimmage and shorten the game in a tough environment.
Chiefs: Keep a consistent short passing game and limit mistakes by QB Alex Smith…what? Were you expecting something outlandish? This one just happens to come down to X’s and O’s.