CORTINA d’AMPEZZO, Italy – Lindsey Vonn has suffered a sprained ankle after crashing during a wheelchair race in the hospital. Vonn was hospitalized due to a crash she suffered during the Olympic downhill on February 8. Prior to that, she injured her knee in a crash during Olympic downhill preparations on January 30. “While the wheelchair race did not end in victory as I had hoped, racing down the hospital hallway with those five other patients was an incredible experience that I’ll never forget,” Vonn said. “I look forward to the rematch with my fellow patients soon. Except for Mr.…
Author: Maury Levine
Maury Levine
Maury is the author of the humorous mystery 'Shopping Bagged,' a contributor to the comedy websites The Broadway Beat, End of the Bench, The Spoof, Points in Case, and Little Old Lady Comedy, and had a riff used in an episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. He is also a drummer, and lives in Birmingham, Alabama with his excellent family.
These haiku will tell you everything you need to know about where you’ll now spend the majority of your life! Welcome to your jobYou’ll work here for a long time Until you’re burned out We have flex schedulesNights and weekends are required Flex for us not you Running late to work Call your supervisor so They can berate you Employee parking Is located down the street Next to the crack house Benefits offeredAre medical and dental But you can’t afford Casual Friday Wear fun groovy t-shirts withCompany logo Fourteen days a yearWe’ll give you for vacation Unless we’re busy We…
Paramount Skydance is launching a hostile takeover bid for Warner Brothers Discovery after it lost out to Netflix for control of the legendary movie studio and media company. Robot Butt News has obtained several exclusive quotes from Warner Brothers Discovery executives about the corporate battle. Warner Brothers Discovery Chairman of the Board Foghorn Leghorn said, “I say, boy, I say. Those Netflix folks are about as sharp as a bowling ball. Our grand studio is worth more than the measly seventy two billion they offered. I say, I say.” Warner’s Chief Marketing Officer Yosemite Sam commented, “What in tarnation is…
Sprit Halloween is expanding it’s new store, Spirit Christmas, to over 30 locations across the country beginning in December. According to Spirit CEO Peter Merchant, the company plans to build off the popularity of it’s pop-up Halloween stores. “Consumers love our hands-on Halloween stores where we turn unused retail backroom space into retail backroom space full of cheaply made costumes and decorations,” Merchant said. “We’re planning on bringing that same sketchy experience to Christmas shoppers.” Interactive Stores! Walking into a Spirit Christmas store, shoppers will be welcomed by The North Pole Rabid Reindeer Petting Zoo, where kids can touch Santa’s…
You know his face, but you probably don’t know his name. For forty seven years, Uncle Herschel ubiquitously sat next to the barrel in the Cracker Barrel logo. Out of the restaurant industry for two weeks, Herschel wants to clear the air about his puzzling, temporary departure. At his home in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, Hershel sits on his black leather couch wearing stylish blue jeans and a white button-up shirt. Sipping on a glass of sweet tea, the man who’s been at the center of a national controversy wants to address the rumors surrounding his tenure at Cracker Barrel. “The general…
The writers over at Jeopardy work so hard. They deserve a break, so we went ahead and came up with a bunch of wordplay categories they can use for the right price. And if they don’t bite, we’re ready to auction these off to any game show. Drew Carey? Elizabeth Banks? Rob Lowe? I know you read the site. make a bid. Seizure Salad Fall Out Oy! Family Lewd Very Super-Stitch-Us Gee, Sus Price! PB and Jay Z Time is Rumming Out! The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe Malfunction Edgar Allan Joe He Shoots, He Snores! Knock Knock Tokes …
SEATTLE, WA – When graffiti appeared on the front of a new building in the Chinatown-International District over the weekend, Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell called the painting “beautiful artwork created by inspiring graffiti artists.” The graffiti makers have disputed the mayor’s claim. “That’s bullshit. We ain’t none of that, yo,” a male calling himself Shanks responded. “We’re hardcore, yo. We just a couple of punk ass vandals.” Mayor Harrell said, “Since we started the One Seattle Graffiti Art Initiative in 2022, the City of Seattle has been proud to recognize deserving graffiti artists and their craft. If the mystery artists…
After their drummer was arrested on child pornography charges, Canadian band New Pornographers has changed their name to Lady Antebellum. Singer Niko Case explained, “After the dismissal of our former drummer because of child pornography charges, we felt that it was time to change the band’s name to something not controversial in the least. It’s time for a new beginning.” Case continued, “As keyboardist Kathryn Calder and I are two female members of the band, we thought we would share our mutual love for the antebellum architecture style that was popular during the mid eighteen hundreds. Personally, I’m fond of…
We’ve worked with Microsoft to rename their most popular fonts to better reflect how they are most commonly used in the workplace. These changes should automatically appear the next time you open Microsoft Word to write a report or fan-fiction.
An audience of townspeople has gathered around a raised platform at the public square. A band of Troubadour musicians begins to play an upbeat Dorian scale using flutes, dulcimers, recorders, and lutes. A familiar man walks onto the platform between two groups of people. The audience politely applauds. STEPHEN: Be thee welcometh to our showth – Family Feudalism. I am thy host, Stephen Harvey. We shall undergo a grand entertainment this morrow. Introducing our competitor families: From the city of Florence, bid a fair welcometh to the Vassal family. In addition, from the city of Naples, bid an equivalent welcometh…