Halloween is that sweet time of year when you can go trick-or-treating, dress up in kooky costumes and party with some friends. But there are always ways to make your Halloween even more spooktacular, so we’ve put together this ghoulishly good list of tips and tricks for having a chillingly fun time.
When going to a Halloween party, find out if the host has lost anyone recently, and then dress up as that person for your costume.
- Don’t dress up as a house – street youths will toilet paper and egg you.
- Don’t carve pumpkins when you’re lonely; the face will look too real.
- Watch lots of scary movies, like A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Shining and Rock-a-Doodle.
- Don’t dress up as Ebola, but if you have Ebola, dress normal. No one suspects anything.
- Sexy ISIS Fighter is a clever costume idea but hard to find at Walmart.
- Goblins, ghosts, and witches might scare you, but the real-life dangers on Halloween are those alluring sugary sweets. This year, skip the candy and just stay inside and do nothing.
- If you encounter a werewolf, stay completely still. Their sight is based on motion. Maybe.
- Don’t use condoms. Everyone knows you can’t get pregnant on Halloween!
- Skip your 80-year-old neighbors house this year – she’s giving out fucking toothbrushes again.
- Decorative fake cobwebs are made of cotton candy. Once Halloween is over you can eat up and clean up at the same time!
- Using a Ouijia board is completely safe and fun, as long as you are not using it over ancient Indian territory (read: America)
- When your friend is bobbing for apples, hold his head under the water until he stops struggling. Once he comes to everyone will share a laugh.
A boner can be part of your costume.
- If you’re a virgin on Halloween, you might as well just sacrifice yourself and save all the Satanists in your neighborhood the trouble.
- Allhallowtide is a time to remember the dead. Schedule time in your Halloween party for a few moments of respectful silence.
- If you get pregnant on Halloween you will give birth to the anti-christ. This has nothing to do with Halloween, it’s just that all children are terrible.
- Wear all black and don’t carry any lights, so as to scare motorists easier when you’re crossing the street.
- No costume can legally be considered “too soon.”
- Trick-or-treaters love to be scared, so when they come to the door, grab their arms, stare into their eyes, and give them an exact date for the moment of their deaths.
- Every October 30th, museums nationwide celebrate “Free Mummy Day” as a way to clear out their old stock.
- Wear a hockey mask and carry a machete to scare everyone with your dated references.