Author: Ryan Montanti

Ryan is a writer living in NYC, constantly threatening to move back to LA. Her work has appeared in McSweeney's, Reductress, Funny or Die, and a bunch of commercials you probably fast forwarded through.

To say that Pete Buttigieg, the 37-year-old openly gay mayor of South Bend, Indiana, is having a moment is a gross understatement. Just last week I had no idea who he was and now I’m retweeting him on the reg and defending his honor in comment sections across the internet. His compassion and candor are arguably the best things to happen to the Democratic party since Obama, but does that mean I’m going to learn how to pronounce that alphabet soup of a last name just yet? No. Because it looks really hard. And I still have two more episodes…

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Locket Give mom a timeless gold locket, complete with a photo of you that she can wear close to her heart. It will have her saying, “Why would I wear a photo of you around my neck? You’re 36. Give me grandkids already.” Premium Chocolates Satisfy mom’s sweet tooth and that’s about it with a box of delicious dark chocolates. She won’t want to share, not only because they’re yummy, but because she’s mad at you for making her the only woman in book club without grandkids. Champagne Help mom unwind with a bottle of her favorite bubbly! She’ll try…

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Dear Scrabble Bigwigs, Look up the definition of “trying too hard” and you know what you’ll find? Trick question. Nothing, because it’s a phrase, not a word. But what SHOULD be there is a big fat picture of you. See also: “thirsty,” “eager,” and “a little pathetic.” We get it. Living in the shadow of today’s games must be tough, trying to stay relevant with the youth while you’re the most popular game at every nursing home across the country. But someone needs to tell you, and those someones may as well be us. The spastic teenage vernacular that you…

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