Author: The Robot Butt Staff

1. Cut it off. 2. Get rid of it. 3. Cut it off and immediately apologize to your friends and family. 4. Cut if off. 5. Just cut it off. 6. Cut it off now. 7. Cut the whole thing off. 8. Cut it off and make sure it never comes back. 9. Cut it off and have your memory erased. 10. Stop brutally offending everyone around you and cut if off. 11. Burn it off your head. 12. Don’t be such a conspicuous asshole and cut it off. 13. Get rid of it immediately. 14. Cut if off. 15.…

A few days ago, we received this letter from Thomas Perez, the United States Secretary of Labor (featured above), with explicit instructions that we share it with our audience. Hi, I’m Thomas Perez. You might know me as the Secretary of Labor for these United States of America. I started on July 23, 2013, and I’m proud of the progress we’ve made in my tenure. Unemployment is down, job numbers are up, and the economy is doing pretty well. But I’m never satisfied. We can always improve the job-seeking process for Americans, both young and old. With that in mind, I…

Oh, but we’re not going to show you what it is. It’s far too disturbing. It would rock you to your core and make you reconsider everything you’ve ever known. If you were to see what this mother does next, you wouldn’t be able to continue your life without thinking of it. It would consume you and, ultimately, destroy you. But trust us, it’s bad.

Fluffy has seen how withholding her owner can be as a sexual partner, and now knows better than to trust him. No matter how hard he tries to move past it, Scooter will be forever haunted by his refusal to get off the twin bed while his owners had intercourse on it. “I know now that nothing will ever cleanse me.” It’s especially hard for Sunny to enjoy his owner’s pets after watching her debase herself and “beg for a treat” like a common mutt. Eddie’s perspective of the world and respect for his owner was shattered when…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqFnh9-FRoc Ben Carson has recently come under fire after a video surfaced of him declaring that the Egyptian pyramids were built by Joseph to store grain. And with more scrutiny being placed on the Republican frontrunner, we were able to uncover some more of his unconventional thoughts. Here are 19 other things Ben Carson believes: The Statue of Liberty was built by the Israelites to scare away Satan’s giant crows. He only ingests food through his nose, believing his teeth have a higher purpose. He believes that if he just speaks softly enough, America will trust that what he’s saying is…

The NBA has finally returned, and all of your favorite stars – from Donatas Motiejunas and Hollis Thompson to Gary Harris and Dewayne Dedmon – are back for another great season! Part of the exhilarating fun of following sports is making predictions at the start of a season and looking back on what you got right and wrong. We’ve already done this with the current NFL season (most of our predictions have already come true), and now we’re ready for the new NBA year. We’re not holding back, either; these are some bold-ass predictions. Sure, we could all predict that…

From new research exposing the severity of concussions in the game to a constantly revolving door of rule changes, the NFL as we know it might look very different down the road. With that in mind, here are some predictions of what professional football might look like ten years from now: Seeing as how increased fines failed to curb the plague of touchdown celebrations, the punishment will now be Roger Goodell’s choice among an array of medieval torture methods. Concussions will be rebranded to “funcussions.” With helmet technology reaching its apex but brain injuries continuing, the NFL looks elsewhere and uses pumpkins…

Great news, gamers and nostalgia enthusiasts: Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 5 is finally out! You’ll have hours of fun playing the latest installment in the series you originally loved as a kid, when you’d stay up all night beating every level with Funyuns-stained fingers, hopped up on Mountain Dew and unaware of life’s many eventual crushing disappointments. Best of all, though, is that THPS 5 is loaded with hidden features! So while you revisit your awesome childhood, be sure to unlock these 12 awesome levels, characters and game modes: In the style of increasingly realistic graphics and gameplay of the Call of Duty series, THPS…

These breadsticks are looking pretty lubed up. Nice and slick, perfect for sliding into your mouth with no resistance. There we go, that’s the good stuff. So close you can practically taste it. So close it’s taking everything in your power not to lock the doors, close the curtains and set aside a four-hour block of private time between you and these throbbing rods of baked bread. Holy shit, that’s nice. Are you sure you should be looking at this while at work? Your boss could come over any minute and see this. Fuck it. That makes it even…

New York Yankees legend Yogi Berra recently passed away at the age of 90, and he left behind a gigantic legacy in the game of baseball and beyond. While he was certainly known for his exploits on the field, Berra might have been even more famous for his paradoxical and whimsical quotes about the game and life in general. By now, everyone knows his classic quotes, but he had so many others that haven’t got their rightful day in the sun. We’re here to change that! Here are 15 lesser-known Yogi Berra quotes that you’re sure to love: 1) No…