Author: The Robot Butt Staff

Editor’s Note: Ron and Rand Paul are two different people. Please rewrite this before publishing. Previously, we threw our hat into the political ring by endorsing the late, great Ted Cruz. That has all changed now that Congressman Senator Ron Rand Paul has entered the ring. We have thrown it around the office, and we’ve decided that we’re endorsing Ron Rand Paul for President of the United States of America. POTUS! Congressman Senator Ron Rand Paul is a man of principles; principles that haven’t weakened in his long tenured career. As a former presidential nominee of the Libertarian Party, As…

Masthead Editor-in-Chief Charles Waffle Canterbury Editorial Director Flatulence Henderson Publisher Baron von Fancypants Senior Editor Yancy Peepeewillow Copy Editor Fillup Mabrowneye Art Director B.F. Wellington Executive Assistant Nimrod Dung

From Newman on Seinfeld to Nedry in Jurassic Park, Wayne Knight has played many iconic roles. Now here he is as a penis.

On Monday, Senator Ted Cruz formally announced his candidacy for President in the 2016 elections. While he is the first candidate to officially announce he is running, Robot Butt would like to state its full and complete endorsement of Mr. Cruz. Ted Cruz has numerous views and qualities that we support. For instance, we applaud his stances on overhauling our education system. By replacing complicated and confusing books like Heart of Darkness with Green Eggs and Ham, school will be much easier for students. This issue hits the Robot Butt staff especially close to home as we have always felt it…

Today is the International Day of Happiness, the official holiday competition where you try to prove you’re happier than everyone else – or at least your exes (as you know, the goal of any breakup is for you to come out of it happier than the other person, and today is the perfect time to ensure you have the upper hand). Here at Robot Butt, we think the International Day of Happiness is just great, so we wanted to give you five tips for proving to your ex that you’re sure as shit having a happier day than her or him:…

“He was afraid and said, ‘How awesome is this place! This is none other than the house of God; this is the gate of heaven.'”

Today is Friday the 13th – spooky! Now that you’re sufficiently scared, it’s the perfect time to share with you these 15 little-known facts about Jason Voorhees and the Friday the 13th film franchise: 15. Jason is an avid Twitter user, where he tweets amusing anecdotes under the handle @Sitting_By_The_Lake. 14. To get the actors in the mood for sex scenes, Betsy Palmer would sit off-camera playing erotic Spanish ballads on her acoustic guitar. 13. Jason’s original weapon was going to be a rubber chicken. 12. In order to appeal to a more Millenial crowd, Jason will be renamed Jacen for upcoming entries in the…

There was a lot of moving and shaking in the first week of the Elementary School Power Rankings. Poophead, penis breath and poopmouth shot up the rankings as the worlds of scatological profanity and wieners are currently laying claim to the vulgar minds of elementary school children. In what came as a huge surprise, butthead tumbled all the way down to No. 16 after sitting atop the rankings in Week 1. Will it find its way back to the top? Will newcomer stink dick have anything to say about its current position (No. 25)? How long will poophead’s reign at the…

The Oscars are Sunday night, which means it’s that special time of the year where we get to watch rich and beautiful people pat each other on the back for what feels like an eternity. But it’s also a fun time to make predictions about what will happen! So with that in mind, here are our 12 surefire predictions for the 87th Academy Awards: 1) Dan Aykroyd will roam the red carpet, trying to get someone, anyone, to listen to his new Ghostbusters sequel idea. 2) In a surprising turn, Argo will once again win Best Picture, confirming there is no God.…