“My biggest fear right now is retirement. I’ve had a long and fruitful career, but when I look back on everything that I’ve done, I can’t help but ask myself, ‘What have I built?’ It’s pretty scary to realize that you have no foundation anywhere around you to set up a future for yourself. All those years spent needlessly destroying opportunities. I still have a few more good years left, and it’s time to start creating something that will last the rest of my life.”
Author: The Robot Butt Staff
The Robot Butt Staff
We're the Robot Butt staff, hired right after the experiment of typewriting monkeys went horribly wrong.
Yeah, we just endorsed Hillary Clinton. But then we saw that Marco Rubio announced his candidacy and, well, there’s just something about him. His attempts to pass comprehensive immigration reform. The passion in his voice when he speaks. His perfect hair and piercing eyes. It’s just something we’re drawn to. And, yeah, we know we’re supposed to go for Hillary. She would be the first female president, and that’s supposed to be something we want. It would be undoubtedly cool. But Rubio would be the first Latino president. And thinking about him keeping us safe from ISIS, in his warm embrace,…
Oh helllllll yeah, this is the big ticket we’ve been waiting for. The worst-kept secret in the political world (except maybe that her marriage isn’t just a public front) is finally out in the open: Hillary Clinton is making another run at the White House. She’s got her sights set on the Oval Office, and short of joining ISIS, we at Robot Butt believe she’s going to get there. Just look at the dumpster fire that is her Republican competition. Ted Cruz? Rand Paul? Marco Rubio? Please. We doubt those guys could ever pull themselves away from smelling the sweat…
Editor’s Note: Ron and Rand Paul are two different people. Please rewrite this before publishing. Previously, we threw our hat into the political ring by endorsing the late, great Ted Cruz. That has all changed now that Congressman Senator Ron Rand Paul has entered the ring. We have thrown it around the office, and we’ve decided that we’re endorsing Ron Rand Paul for President of the United States of America. POTUS! Congressman Senator Ron Rand Paul is a man of principles; principles that haven’t weakened in his long tenured career. As a former presidential nominee of the Libertarian Party, As…
Masthead Editor-in-Chief Charles Waffle Canterbury Editorial Director Flatulence Henderson Publisher Baron von Fancypants Senior Editor Yancy Peepeewillow Copy Editor Fillup Mabrowneye Art Director B.F. Wellington Executive Assistant Nimrod Dung
From Newman on Seinfeld to Nedry in Jurassic Park, Wayne Knight has played many iconic roles. Now here he is as a penis.
On Monday, Senator Ted Cruz formally announced his candidacy for President in the 2016 elections. While he is the first candidate to officially announce he is running, Robot Butt would like to state its full and complete endorsement of Mr. Cruz. Ted Cruz has numerous views and qualities that we support. For instance, we applaud his stances on overhauling our education system. By replacing complicated and confusing books like Heart of Darkness with Green Eggs and Ham, school will be much easier for students. This issue hits the Robot Butt staff especially close to home as we have always felt it…
Today is the International Day of Happiness, the official holiday competition where you try to prove you’re happier than everyone else – or at least your exes (as you know, the goal of any breakup is for you to come out of it happier than the other person, and today is the perfect time to ensure you have the upper hand). Here at Robot Butt, we think the International Day of Happiness is just great, so we wanted to give you five tips for proving to your ex that you’re sure as shit having a happier day than her or him:…
“He was afraid and said, ‘How awesome is this place! This is none other than the house of God; this is the gate of heaven.'”