Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

KNOXVILLE, TN – Early Christmas reporting has confirmed local gamer and son of very messily divorced parents Jake Hoppins is getting a Playstation 5 and an equally as thoughtful used basketball for Christmas this year. Hoppins’ parents, who separated earlier this year without giving Jake any kind of detailed reasoning other than “dad is going to stay with uncle Alan for a while,” finalized their divorce in mid-November, right before Jake’s first “double Thanksgiving.” With the parents separation now legal, Jake’s mom, formerly Mrs. Hoppins and the clear “winner” of the divorce, has let him know that he will get…

VICTORIAN LONDON – This can’t be good! Early reports from this year’s haunting of a “Scrooge type” are saying that the Ghost of Christmas Future was only traveling back two years. The ghost, known for commonly showing his subjects visions of the common-folk dancing on their graves, typically travels back to whatever the current year is from the end of time, due to him existing on an extra-dimensional plane that doesn’t care for the laws of liminal time, but for some reason, this year, he clearly came from the year 2028. It’s raising questions, such as “wait, do I die…

CHICAGO, IL – After calling 10 minutes ago to ask you the name of the guy from Nobody 2 and five minutes ago to ask if he’s the same guy from Better Call Saul, reports are now saying that your dad is calling again because he forgot to ask earlier if “Y’all got any snow up there yet.” There seems to be no real breaks in the 24/7 news cycle these days, with this report shockingly coming only a day after news broke that your dad called to let you know he ran into someone he knew years ago that…

In a new report coming straight from my sister’s house, a local niece and all-around dumbass doesn’t understand cinema. This report came seconds after the niece was shown a certified Christmas classic that is objectively good, and not a product of nostalgia at all. Further reporting shows that the niece was wrong and the movie is not “boring” or “weird.” even though the next claims weren’t made by the niece, our journalists want to also clarify that the movie does not suffer from outdated effects, politics, or overall morality views because “well, it’s from a different time so that stuff…

Way to go, dipshit!

All over the nation, dads are flocking in unison to their living rooms to prepare to explain the entire plot of season 2 of Paramount Plus’s Landman. It’s heavily believed that despite rewatching the show, explanations of the plot are expected to be out of order, heavily context dependent, and heavily rely on repeatedly saying the name “Billy Bob” almost as if it’s a stutter. We also have sources indicating that at least 30% of the plot described will actually be scenes from the series Tulsa King.

CHICAGO – This Halloween marks yet another in a quickly growing series of Halloweens that local man and all-around bad vibe Mark Spinkler claims “wasn’t scary enough.” Spinkler, who stays home each year and sits on his porch to hand out candy to trick or treaters, reportedly thought this would be the year that he is “terrified in a way that makes him feel truly alive.” “I know some people go to haunted houses, explore the abandoned mine on the edge of town, or watch scary movies, but I feel like those scares are artificial. They’re crafted and curated. I…

SPRINGFIELD, OH – The biggest tragedy in Halloween history (probably) struck tonight, when local trick or treater and soul not yet corrupted by the evil in this world Sam Cumple only received candy corn despite going to nearly 80 different houses. “You hear about this kind of thing on the news, or see nonstop posts about it on Facebook, but you never actually think it’s happening, or that it could ever possibly happen to your family,” Cumple’s mother told us. “I just think about little Sam, and how hurt he could have gotten if we hadn’t decided to check his…

OGDEN, UT – Local Trick or Treater and all around nice young man Kenneth Peterson was in for a shock this Halloween when he and his parents found razor blades stuck into every single piece of candy he received while going house to house. “It was absurd,” Kenneth’s father told us with a mouthful of chocolate and blood. “Kenneth bit into a Snickers and yelled in pain. We couldn’t believe it actually happened to us. We were trying so hard to figure out which house gave us the piece, then we found the next one. Then another after that. Then…

After widespread panic from nearly all their agents, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement has released a statement in an attempt to make it clear that their agents wearing masks is actually cool and it still isn’t cool if you do it for any health related fears. Their statement clarifies that “agents are NOT wearing masks due to COVID and are solely wearing them to avoid public recognition and repercussion as they conduct their illegal and immoral daily activities. The last thing we would want is for any of our family or peers to think we’re scared of some fake liberal…