Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WASHINGTON— Flailing their arms and juking staff members, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump were reportedly sprinting around The White House Tuesday with their shirts off and a big “1” and “3” written on their chests. “You’ll never catch us!” shouted Don Jr. to no one in particular in the west wing as he hit a spin move around a seemingly disinterested White House aide. “Even if you catch both of us, you’ll never find the third brother running around. He’s way faster than me or Don. He’s the fastest and the sneakiest and the craziest of all of us.”…

After the stunning conclusion of the 2025 Kentucky Derby, we raced (just a little post-derby joke) to get famous race horse Secretariat’s take on the results. We also made a point to not google whether or not he was still alive, even though we have a pretty good guess, because we like this headline a lot and don’t want logic to ruin it. Not googling does also mean we took a genuine shot at spelling his name right. Let us know in the comments below if we nailed it. If we didn’t, go read SlackJaw or something, since we clearly…

HOLLYWOOD, MAYBE – In a recent report we assume exists somewhere, it was confirmed most likely that director Adam McKay is eyeing his next feature film project, a blockbuster satire about the recent tariffs and their effect on the U.S. economy. “I feel like we need people to vocalize their voices about the current administration and their insistence on bringing business ethics into the management of our country,” we assume is something Mckay would say on like a press tour or something. “That’s why when I saw the recent tariff debacle and saw online discourse that showed how little of…

Epic Games released a distressing press statement last week making sure that the public understood that their method of adding pop superstar Sabrina Carpenter to hit video game Fortnite was shrinking down the real Carpenter and dropping her into a massive computer. “Everyone was so excited that Katy Perry went to space. Who cares! We’re getting so tired of NASA and their showboating. Our facility has more tech than all of their moon bases combined! We have defense contracts with the six biggest military contractors in the world, but everyone is shitting their pants with joy because the singer of…

WASHINGTON – Elon Musk’s stream of Path of Exile 2 went off the rails last week when he was mercilessly trolled until he rage-quit from the game altogether. The first half hour of the stream went fine, outside of Musk somehow dying roughly 34 times to the first NPC in the game that is only there to offer the intro quest, but then a large group of trolls with names like “Elon_SUX,” “ELON_IS_A_L0SER,” and “Grimes” began spamming the chat with the message “what are you eating under there?” Elon smirked and nodded for a bit, before finally acknowledging the messages.…

WASHINGTON – Local film major and most annoying guy to meet at a social event Clyde Wilson has reported that he saw some vague, crazy thing this morning. When pressed to explain what he saw, he was only able to come up with one adjective. “Yeah, it was like… you know… like what if there was a… there’s really only one way to describe it.” Wilson then went on to explain that he hasn’t seen any of David Lynch’s work, but that he’s seen a lot of video essays on YouTube about it. He tried to go on, but we…

This week, Nintendo had its annual “Nintendo Direct,” the presentation where they reveal new games, exciting system updates, and any other news they deem big enough to announce in front of a sold-out crowd. This year’s direct featured a new look at Metroid Prime 4, More Dragon Quest remakes, and, oddly enough, multiple insistences that Yoshi, the dinosaur character from the Super Mario franchise, isn’t real. Early in the presentation, before getting to any new games or Switch 2 news, Nintendo of America president Doug Bowser jokingly mentioned Yoshi, saying “who obviously is a fictional character, as well all know,”…

CHICAGO – The newly hired head of maintenance at The Chicago Art Institute Davis Motley was seen in a total panic today after everyone else had left and it was time for him to clean. “I just want to mop, man. They’ve got stuff that goes on the floor, and stuff that looks like someone dropped their coffee, but I’m scared to touch any of it. The guy before me got fired because he threw out a pair of jeans he found on a bench and it turned out they were worth like 25 grand.” Unsure whether it was worth…

After having a smooth build-up and launch where no one was arguing about anything, Ubisoft has come under fire by gamers claiming their new title, Assassin’s Creed: Shadows, is too woke. These allegations have been flooding lesser-used message boards and downvoted Reddit threads all because the game, which puts players in control of two extremely historically accurate virtual reality samurai, features a katana that has been vaccinated. The katana functions like any other sword in the game, with the only real difference being in it’s weapon menu description, where it states that anyone wounded by it but not killed may…

ITASCA – Local Alex Grifford was spotted showing a slight smirk of relief today seconds after his life was most likely ruined. The man, scheduled to get married to his fiancée of four years, had his plans for the day upended when she abruptly ran away shout whispering “I can’t do this” over again in the middle of the ceremony. Despite the fact that his codependence means that his life is almost certainly metaphorically over, Grifford felt that familiar rush of relief we all do when plans fall-through last minute, freeing up an evening. “Yeah, I know we’ve been planning…