Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

In what many are calling the most unifying display of any Olympics, every single country participating in the Winter games worked as one team to boo U.S. vice president J.D. Vance when he appeared at the opening ceremony. It was a magnificent booing, as expected considering it was being delivered by what it one of the strongest groups of lungs on planet Earth. Reports from Italy are saying the country feels relieved that the booing technically took place before the official games had started, otherwise they would have been forced to judge the display as an Olympic competition and they…

CHATTANOOGA, TN – Tragedy struck last Saturday when two snickering 12-year-olds found themselves completely depleted of unique cuss words with multiple blanks left on their current page Mad Libs. Eye witnesses (7th grader Kelvin) on the scene told us that the two goofsters were filling out a section titled “The Tortoise and The PENIS” when their giggling died down and a cold silence overtook the room. “It was horrible. The tortoise was so close to winning the big CUM when suddenly the story just stopped. No one could figure out a good way to describe the way the hare was…

CHICAGO / NEW YORK – A longterm scientific case study has finally been published, confirming what many already assumed or knew. Nearly everyone looking at their phone on any type of public transportation is consuming some form of the popular content type known as hardcore pornography. The study was theorized and tested by Swiss scientist and Nobel laureate Bernhardin Zündel, who tested his hypothesis by looking over everyone’s shoulders at their screens, nodding, saying “interesting,” then writing into a really big notepad.” His published journal also notes that the other 20% are on FanDuel while listening to the Barstool Sports…

They’re calling it the “little popcorn who could,” across the nation. This seemingly regular order of theater popcorn has become an inspiring underdog as it almost made it all the way to the start of the Primate. “Unfortunately, there were just a few too many hurdles in front of it.” Physicist and popcorn expert John Smoreway told us. “The patron got to the theater a full fifteen early. We’re talking like Maria Menounos and trivia early. it never stood a real chance. It was obvious to all the predictors that it wasn’t going to make it before the end of…

We’ve decided to honor their wishes at this time. Our thoughts are with their family through this difficult process.

CHICAGO IL – In an astounding scientific discovery, a local dry January participant and the writer of this very article has come to the core shaking realization that the nine Modelos in his fridge are not going to drink themselves. “It’s a tragedy, honestly. Modelos are very very good. Learning that nine, or as I like to call it, ‘a Walter’s dozen’ are going to sit completely un-gulped has really made me sit and rethink my entire approach to not drinking them until February 1st.” When asked how I ended up with such a specific remainder of Modelos, I clarified…

We don’t even know where to begin on this one. Our whole thing is unpacking the finer details of really niche stupid stuff, but this one even has us stumped. Is it aimed at someone in particular? Is it ironic? What could it mean? We don’t have the manpower or resources to find out. Our entire staff is already hard at work investigating whether or not a Snoopy your mom reshared is sneakily homophobic.

CHICAGO, IL – In a shocking move that experts are calling “wholly unnecessary,” a company with almost entirely work from home employees has sent out an email inviting everyone to a holiday party. The party is being held minutes after a regular workday, at a bar employees have never seen right next to the office they went to once while training. Luckily, their department managers brought it up during weekly meetings in a passive aggressive way that made it seem like it wouldn’t reflect well on anyone who skips it. The party is expected to feature on to two free…

With Christmas right around the corner, plans are being locked in place for the annual cousin walk, where people just like you take a walk with their cousin to get high, often right before or right after a vibrant Christmas dinner. With this year being full of hot button issues, and many dads deciding for the 20th consecutive year that this will be the Christmas they no longer stay silent and finally speak their mind, many cousins are making the move from casual marijuana intake to uninformed ketamine abuse. When asked how they even got ketamine so quickly and easily,…

In a moment we’ve all been waiting for, local halls are getting decked. This comes as no shocker to anyone who knows halls well with many even saying “it’s about time, I’ve been waiting for this since before Thanksgiving.”