MOSCOW – President Vladimir V. Putin released a statement declaring the sole purpose of his nation’s “helpful engagement” in Ukraine was to eliminate an infestation of Alien Xenomorphs menacing the Ukrainian people. “Any images of civilian casualties, leveled cities, or waves of refugees are only proof of the death and destruction caused by the Alien endoparasitoids that have taken control of Ukraine,” read Putin’s statement. “We have sent Russian troops to heroically save the country from the Xenomorph invasion. Our forces are like an army of Ellen Ripleys, exterminating the Aliens from the Nostromo, which in this analogy is Ukraine.…
Author: James Klein
James Klein
James Klein has been writing satire since he was an underachieving zygote in his mother's womb. Born to confusingly little fanfare, his parents feared he would never amount to much. Fortunately for everyone, he proved them right, so they never had to apologize for underestimating him. Still writing satire as an adult, James is determined to not learn any lessons from his middling efforts, a stalwart perseverance his friends and family call "delusional," "misguided," and "clueless." Undeterred, he continues submitting satire to reputable publications that probably wish he wouldn't. James also wastes his time on a Facebook page called Website Bad (facebook.com/websitebad) where he collects satire he'd otherwise misplace because he's old, disorganized, and his memory is faulty.
People think you have to be a wizard to wear a wizard robe, which has got to be the only reason I haven’t sold any. But it’s not true – wizard robes are also great for cult leaders, cosplaying Harry Potter fans, or any middle-aged guy who opens a wizard-themed store when their marriage falls apart! A wizard robe will amaze and impress your friends, family, and coworkers who wear wizard robes. You’ll stand out in a crowd, as the crowd will avoid you. People you don’t even know will stop and stare at you on the street! I should know, I…
A grateful world thanks its beloved trillionaires, who do so much good while obscenely enriching themselves. So claims a new report from the Institute for Limitless Acquisition, a trillionaire-funded thinktank launched by warbot mogul Lazarus Whiff. The report, titled “An Endless Hellscape of Suffering: Imagining a World Without Trillionaires,” interviewed three psychotically covetous resource-hoarders – every American trillionaire except autonomous womb magnate Anton Lutz, who is suing Whiff for putting autonomous wombs on his warbots. “I’m not copying Lutz’s idea, because anyone would’ve thought of it,” Whiff insisted in Time magazine’s “End of the World” issue. “Obviously, you’d want your…