My eyes say smooth jazz, but my mouth is Coachella, day 2. Hungry Like the Wolf My eyes say: “It’s okay, kid. You take the last package of Oreos.” My mouth: Chompers grrrowl! You make one move toward the cookies and you will lose that hand. Back away and run to your mother, man-cub. But first, where’d you get those SpongeBob socks? Rebel Yell My eyes say: “That guy doesn’t have a mask. Should I give him my extra?” My mouth: Oy! Oy! Oy! Bloody hell, mate, do your fucking part! The Billy Idol SNEEeeerr beneath my eyes without a face is your…
Author: Brian Abbey
Brian Abbey
Brian was going to be a lawyer but had an existential breakdown at law school, narrated by Patrick Swayze’s character Bodhi from the 1991 movie Point Break. He now lives and writes in Eastern Europe where he hopes he won’t have to fight the Russians, like Patrick Swayze’s character Jed from 1984's movie, Red Dawn.
1. Renowned for his striking appearance that can overwhelm a person’s reason. 2. Generated a cult following of rabid acolytes. 3. Speaks a strange language incomprehensible to most humans. 4. Says your nacho lasagna is bombtastic and wants you to put it on a flip flop, amigo. 5. Began his life’s mission in a bizarre city in the middle of nowhere. 6. His offspring are following in his footsteps. 7. He is fond of sleeping. 8. Possesses a constitution capable of withstanding damage that would destroy most people. 9. Thinks those jalapeño waffle tostadas are bananas. 10. Many people report…