Next Fall, every school in the country will have small children smearing peanut sandwiches on their desks like it’s 1993!
As Secretary of Education, I pledge to bring peanut butter back to school next Fall!
But first, a little about me. I never envisioned a career in education. I was a content and well-paid small-claims lawyer, the kind that runs infomercials past midnight. But one day, my youngest son came home from school crying. His teacher had told him that he couldn’t eat his peanut butter sandwich. Apparently, his classroom was a peanut-free zone. As was the entire school cafeteria. The most American of American children’s foods, expelled.
I now had a calling. I would put to use everything I’d learned in my erstwhile career as an attorney to the gullible.
Three gruesome years in the substitute gym teaching trenches prepared me for leadership. I became vice principal and made school security my first priority. The 24/7 video surveillance of the school grounds and remotely detonable mines in each classroom launched my career to new heights, eventually catching the eye of the current administration. Over the years, I’ve weathered threat after threat from testing reform to the vaccine lobby. But none have been greater than Big Peanut Allergy.
For the last year, I’ve been meeting with the brightest minds in peanuts. The top scientists at every major peanut butter firm. And you know what they all assure me? The backlash is overblown. They’ve even been so kind as to fully fund a national peanut research center!
For too long, the myth of the peanut allergy has been force-fed down our children’s throats. A once American classic-white bread with smooth peanut butter and grape jelly-has been all but banished from our schools.
I have news for you: I’m bringing it back. Why should your child forgo that favorite and most dubiously nutritious childhood snack? Just because a few whiny dweebs, who never learned to “walk it off” in little league, say they might get a rash?
I know what you’re going to say. For some, this is a life-or-death issue. You’re right. Of course, in the Department of Education, we believe all children have the right to a safe educational environment. This is why I am pleased to unveil the “National Peanut Allergy Charter School System.”
Any parent will have the choice to pull their allergy-infested child from their local school and send them to NPACSS, created just for them, located in a recently vacated wing of the Guantanamo Bay facilities. These lucky kids won’t need to fear sniffing peanut fumes in their island paradise. Unfortunately, this project is largely funded by Mr. Peanut, so the kiddos will have to get used to seeing the little guy and his top hat as their school mascot.
Now, I can anticipate that some of you may have humanitarian concerns: It’s true. Many of these high school students will miss their homecoming day celebrations, which they’ve been looking forward to all year. Not to worry. The NPACS high school will hold the nation’s greatest homecoming event.
We’ve decided to invite peanut-handicapped NFL players to participate in a one-time exhibition game for next year’s NPATCS homecoming! You see, I’ve spoken with the NFL commissioner, and he tells me that the NFL will be unfolding similar peanut policies in all team facilities for next year’s season. This exhibition game will be their last-ever chance at a paycheck, if they don’t want to add anaphylactic shock to their list of workplace hazards!
a look at my track record. In my first year as Secretary, we standardized tests nationwide. In year two, we banned political correctness and returned Christmas to schools. In year three, we rid the school system of mandatory vaccines and brought back the Mumps!
Trust me. This fall, your children are coming home with their hands stained in peanut oil and mouths smeared with jelly.
The way our founding fathers intended.