“We can’t build this thing fast enough,” said Carney
WASHINGTON — Clad in overalls, work gloves, and hard hats, leaders of Western democracies everywhere rolled up their sleeves and got to work building a perimeter wall around the United States.
Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney, holding a trowel and a brick, led the charge. “We all agree with President Trump that the wall needs to be built,” he said, motioning to the other world leaders. “We will even pay for it – all of it. We’ll have this done in no time.”
When asked why he had such an abrupt change of heart about building the wall, Carney hoisted a load of bricks over his shoulder and responded, “Canada was amongst the first to hear the wake-up call, leading us to fundamentally shift our strategic posture.”
“We are no longer relying on just the strength of our values, but also on the value of our strength. So we’re working with our NATO allies to box this orange bastard in.”
French President Emmanuel Macron, sporting a reflective vest and wearing the Western hemisphere’s coolest pair of aviator sunglasses, nodded in agreement.
“On plurilateral trade,” Carney continued “we’re championing efforts to build a bridge between the Trans-Pacific Partnership and the European Union, which would create a new way to make sure this asshat and his clown parade cabinet never see the light of day again.”
“This is not naive multilateralism,” he added, applying a fresh row of mortar. “ It’s building coalitions with partners who share enough common ground to neuter this ogre.”
Trump, standing at a slight angle on the other side of the rapidly expanding wall, examined his bruised hands then looked up and shouted “Greenland!” to no one in particular.
“Let’s be clear-eyed about where this leads, Donald,” Carney shouted over to him. “This is classic risk management — risk management comes at a price. In this case, the price is quarantining your ass.”
“Greenland!” cried Trump again, as the wall rose past his knees.
Carney, calmly adding another row of bricks, continued. “Donald, the question for middle powers, like Canada, is not whether to adapt to the new reality — we must. The question is whether we adapt by simply building higher walls or whether we can do something more ambitious.”
“I’m all for the higher walls,” said UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer, shoving a wheelbarrow of cement.
“Same here,” remarked rebar-bearing Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum. “I’ll give Trump this–Mexico really does want to pay for this shit.”
“Greenland!” Trump bellowed, as the wall rose to his McDonald’s-engorged waist.
Carney nodded politely, while adding another row of bricks. “The powerful have their power. But we have something too — the capacity to stop pretending and to act together to wall-off your trainwreck, freakshow administration.”
“Greenland!” cried Trump, as the wall rose to his armpits.
“Look Donald, We know the old order is not coming back. Nostalgia is not a strategy. But we believe that from the fracture, we can build something better, stronger, like this giant, impenetrable, fucking wall.”
“Wait, maybe Iran?” yowled Trump again, moving forward and making an odd pinching gesture with his right hand.
“Donald,” said Carney, tucking Trump’s ridiculously long tie back behind the wall, “middle powers must act together because if we’re not at the table, we’re on the menu.”
“Cuba!” Trump cried, as the Prime Minister handed the final brick to European Union President Ursula von der Leyen, who promptly forced it into position then spackled it up. She fist-bumped German Chancellor Friedrich Merz, high-fived Denmark Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen, then cracked open an ice-cold Molson from Carney.
“Molson Light, or Molson ICE?” Carney asked the others.
“Light, please. Definitely not ICE,” said Sheinbaum.
“This is Canada’s path,” he proclaimed, handing out more cans and toasting. “We choose it openly and confidently, bitches!”