God Admits Turkeys Never Had a Chance
Nov26

God Admits Turkeys Never Had a Chance

HEAVEN – Saying he feels “pretty torn up about the whole thing,” God admitted today that Thanksgiving “bums him out” each year due to his part in the holiday’s mass slaughtering of turkeys. “Look, I know it’s a festival of togetherness,” God said. “And of course there’s going to be a feast, but 46 million killed a year for one day – and that’s just in the United States – I…I can’t just wash my hands of...

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Guy Already Pretty Bored in Heaven
Jun19

Guy Already Pretty Bored in Heaven

HEAVEN – James Wong passed away three years ago after an unfortunate jet ski accident, and though he was granted passage into God’s eternal kingdom upon his death, the former North Carolina resident can’t help but already feel kind of bored with it all. Wong, who was a 34-year-old investment banking analyst when he died, initially found the realm of heaven to be everything he imagined: it gave him the ability to...

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Humanity Proves Its Not Meant to Survive as ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2’ Makes $24 Million
Apr20

Humanity Proves Its Not Meant to Survive as ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2’ Makes $24 Million

“And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy.” – Revelation 13:1 I often go down a very deep rabbit hole of thought when I think about my place in the universe and humanity’s overall role in the grand scheme of things. I get lost in the exploration of why any of us are here...

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Genesis 28:17
Mar17

Genesis 28:17

“He was afraid and said, ‘How awesome is this place! This is none other than the house of God; this is the gate of heaven.'”   More jokes, at no extra...

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Sick Child Declares That ‘Hell is for Real’
Feb05

Sick Child Declares That ‘Hell is for Real’

ASHEVILLE, N.C. – Tommy Benson has been called many things during his ten years of life. A little prick. A sneaky shit with no manners. A boy who deserves a swift kick in the ass. None of this has ever phased the young boy, though; in fact, Tommy has reveled in it, taking immense pride in being what appears to be the city’s unofficial prankster laureate. But life hasn’t all been fun and games for Tommy. He is...

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