There are zero words for what I saw in this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. The fact that our society tolerates this sort of thing is absolutely appalling. My family, coworkers, and minister tell me to move on, but still I wake up every night in a cold sweat with the image of Shakira’s sequin-clad thighs burned into my consciousness. Is this the message we want to send to our kids? That it’s okay to be a grown-ass woman exercising your bodily autonomy in a routine with culturally representative dancing and revelry? This sideshow should have come with a warning…
Author: Amanda Nowotny
Amanda Nowotny
Amanda Nowotny is a comedy writer, lapsed improviser, and professional nerd residing in western Pennsylvania. She has studied sketch writing and improv at Arcade Comedy Theater in Pittsburgh and satire with The Second City. Her work has previously been featured on the Arcade stage, the Second City Network, and her mom's Facebook page. When not trying to cobble together funny words to post on the Internet, Amanda works as a private tutor and test prep instructor. Witness her occasionally form coherent Twitter thoughts on food, booze, politics, and the chihuahuas who own her at @PrincessSnarkle.
1. Health concerns arose after Dandelion’s complexion was observed looking a bit sallow 2. Redundancy in Crayola’s yellow workforce 3. Contract negotiations fell apart when Dandelion demanded a place in the elite 8-color box 4. Middling performance reviews as no kid likes coloring with a vaguely depressing shade of mustard yellow 5. Reduction in the crayon labor force due to outsourcing to markers and colored pencils 6. Numerous harassment complaints from Cerulean and Scarlet 7. Competency questioned after quality consultants pointed out that dandelions aren’t actually that color 8. Replaced by a younger, less experienced crayon that will work for half as much
1. Sort your canned goods by size and color to create visual interest. 2. Store your ammunition in decorative boxes. Materials like distressed wood and hammered metal are so apocalypse-chic. 3. Hang your mylar space blankets on the wall. Not only will you save valuable storage space for kerosene cans, but the reflective surfaces will make your 12’ x 15’ windowless room feel bigger. 4. Don’t forget about outdoor spaces! Spice up your boring old “TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT ON SIGHT” signs by printing them in an unexpected font (we love Copperplate for its commanding yet sophisticated vibe). 5. Guests coming over…