Hi, I’m a Magical Snowman Who Just Came to Life and Is Asking You About Your Relationship Status

Snowman

Hey there. I appear to be a talking snowman, and I just wanted to thank you for putting this magical top hat on my head and bringing me to life. Very nice of you. Now that I’m here, I’d like to get down to business and immediately start asking you whether or not you’re married. Seems like a totally not insane thing to do. So, are you married? Are you?

Okay, maybe it is a little strange that I’m asking you this. After all, we haven’t even talked about a preliminary topic, like the weather or what it’s like having a vegetable for a nose. After discussing those sorts of things maybe it would justify me asking about your relationship status. After all, I’m a magical snowman brought to life seconds ago and I know basically nothing. Still, I’m really curious about whether or not you’re married, so I’ll just blurt it out again. Are you married? Tell me! Tell me if you’re married!

I hope I’m not being awkward, but I wouldn’t really know. I’m a magical snowman with zero knowledge of acceptable social behavior. I’m like that relative you haven’t seen in a while who always asks why you’re single. Or at least that’s what I think goes on. I can’t be sure, I’m a magical snowman with no family history.

Since I just got here, would you mind explaining what marriage is? I know I like asking people if they’re married, but I’m not familiar with the concept. Uh huh. Okay. That’s marriage? Wow, until death? It must be something few people do. You’re saying almost everyone does it? Some people do it multiple times? I know I was just brought to life by magical headgear, but why would people make a promise like that when they’re so young? Seems like a big risk, and you could easily change your mind later, but what do I know? I’m just a magical snowman who doesn’t have the knowledge to challenge long-standing human mating habits.

So you are married? Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to insult you, but now I’m feeling the urge to blurt out another question: When are you having children? Since I was magically brought to life only a few minutes ago, I can’t really tell if asking whether or not you plan to produce offspring is appropriate. What’s that? You’re saying it isn’t. So nobody can ask you that? You’re saying co-workers you don’t know that well ask but it’s weird? I guess if they shouldn’t be asking that question it’s not right for a magical snowman to do the same.

Let me now ask you this – since I’ve got so many questions, what with being a lifeless mound of precipitation but a few moments ago – would you be into an open relationship? I know I’m a magical snowman absent of genitalia, but why should a romantic relationship be just between two human people? And since it’s just going to be you two for your entire lives, why not give a snowman with a lifespan of maybe a few days a shot? You’d have quite the story and I’d melt happy. Wins all around.

Hey, don’t touch my magical hat!

 

 




Matt Morea

Author: Matt Morea

Matt’s plays and sketches have been performed across the United States. He currently writes for the Magnet Theater house sketch team Danger Noodle in New York City. His work has also appeared in McSweeney’s. His Twitter handle is @moreamatt.

Share This Post On