They Got Rid of Confederate Statues, So I Became a Confederate Soldier
Aug31

They Got Rid of Confederate Statues, So I Became a Confederate Soldier

First they came for my flag, and I said nothing. Then they came for my culture, and I said nothing. But when they came for my statues, I became a Confederate soldier. As a white person, this year has been really hard. Ever since Obama took away my rights, life has been a living hell. When the liberals started calling out the Confederate flags on my property, I was so hurt that I had to defend my Southern culture. Sure, I’ve lived in...

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Dear Idaho
Aug30

Dear Idaho

Dear Idaho, If I eat one more mashed potato I WILL DIE. I need you to stop. I know what you’re thinking. Why don’t I just eat the potato in another form? Jokes on you, spud – no matter how you put a potato in your mouth, when you chew, it becomes a mashed potato. There’s no two ways about it. You ever do something that you thought would be a good idea and then it turned out to be awful? Well, that’s where I am. I signed up for...

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How to Subtly Ask If He’d Be Into a Multi-State Murder Spree (Without It Getting Awkward!)
Aug29

How to Subtly Ask If He’d Be Into a Multi-State Murder Spree (Without It Getting Awkward!)

You ever hear about a couple so perfect for each other, your heart can’t help but soar? Like that couple in Nevada who, together, would drive to a strange small town, lure a teenage boy back to their motel room, then drug and dismember him? That adorbs story hits right in the feels! If you’re thinking, “I’d never have the courage to ask my man to murder with me,” you’re not alone. Many women feel nervous about asking a new beau to...

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Congressmen Receive First Round of Lewd Vacation Postcards From President Trump
Aug28
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Elementary School Teacher Braces Self for This Year’s Crop of Goofy Names
Aug28

Elementary School Teacher Braces Self for This Year’s Crop of Goofy Names

Having just received the official list of students registered for her class this year, local first-grade teacher Paula Zirkelbach has begun mentally preparing herself for what will no doubt be a sizable number of unconventional names. “I swear, every new class, the parents top themselves,” said Zirkelbach, who has been teaching since 2002. “I’m gonna go ahead and predict that about a quarter to half of them will just be a...

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