Student Claims to Own Playboy Issue Featuring Middle School’s New Math Teacher
Jan31

Student Claims to Own Playboy Issue Featuring Middle School’s New Math Teacher

DAYTON, Ohio – Conflicting stories and infighting continue to splinter the social structure of the entire seventh and eighth grade classes here at Pete Rose Middle School. Despite a growing consensus that he’s “completely bullshitting,” 12-year-old Trent Trebor still insists that he owns a copy of a Playboy that includes several pictures of first-year math teacher Mrs. Oates. Trebor first let two eighth graders know about the...

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Trump Claims More People at Inauguration Than Birds on This Rock
Jan30

Trump Claims More People at Inauguration Than Birds on This Rock

WASHINGTON – After seeing a photograph of migratory seabirds nesting on a rock, President Donald Trump vociferously claimed that “there were way more people at my inauguration on the National Mall than there were birds nesting on this rock. Way more. Way, way more.” The birds in question are common murres, seabirds that gather every spring to nest on a rock in the Yaquina Head Outstanding Natural Area in Newport, Oregon. Common...

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Whoopi Goldberg Wins Slopestyle Gold at X Games, Becomes First XEGOT
Jan27

Whoopi Goldberg Wins Slopestyle Gold at X Games, Becomes First XEGOT

ASPEN, Colo. – In a triumph spanning arts, culture, and sport, Whoopi Goldberg completed the illustrious chase for XEGOT when she landed a double-cork 900 on the final jump of the women’s Slopestyle at the X Games yesterday. Goldberg, winner of the 1990 Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in Ghost, referred to the gold medal run as one of the highlights of her career. “You know, I was nervous about hitting the switch...

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Rumors Fly After God Accidentally Leaks Preview of Next Year’s Flu
Jan27

Rumors Fly After God Accidentally Leaks Preview of Next Year’s Flu

ATLANTA – Rumors are circulating over the specifics of God’s newest project, the 2018 flu, after biological specimens were leaked to an anonymous doctor at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention this week. “Based on electron microscopy, the virus appears to be eight nanometers slimmer than previous generations of the flu,” said the doctor. “Which is impressive because it’s twice as powerful;...

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12 Decorating Tips for a Warm and Welcoming Paramilitary Bunker
Jan26

12 Decorating Tips for a Warm and Welcoming Paramilitary Bunker

1. Sort your canned goods by size and color to create visual interest. 2. Store your ammunition in decorative boxes. Materials like distressed wood and hammered metal are so apocalypse-chic. 3. Hang your mylar space blankets on the wall. Not only will you save valuable storage space for kerosene cans, but the reflective surfaces will make your 12’ x 15’ windowless room feel bigger. 4. Don’t forget about outdoor spaces! Spice up your...

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