PORTLAND, Maine – Following a tumultuous week that saw Donald Trump’s poll numbers slipping due to a number of controversial actions and comments, the Republican presidential nominee’s brain tumor expressed concern that it’s perhaps gone too far.
“Criticizing a fallen soldier’s family, pocketing a Purple Heart, badmouthing a baby – yeah, those were all me,” the tumor said. “Now, Donald Trump was the one who had those impulses to be clear, but I was the one saying, ‘Go on. Do it.’”
While the tumor has been growing between Trump’s frontal and temporal lobes since May of 2015, it said it hadn’t gotten involved in the campaign until this January, first encouraging Trump to say he could shoot someone on 5th Avenue and not lose votes.
“At the time, that was really just a lark,” the tumor said. “I thought, ‘This will sink his candidacy for sure.’ When I was wrong it was sort of like, ‘Let’s see how far I can take this.’ But now… I’m just so sorry, everybody.”
After months of making Trump more erratic and hateful than ever before, it appears recent events have brought about a change of heart in the growth. The tumor, which is considering counseling, says it will probably cease controlling Trump in the near future but believes it still needs to atone for its past actions.
“Look, I’ve got control over everything if I really want it,” the tumor said. “You want Trump to give all his money to Black Lives Matter or piss his pants during the first presidential debate? Just say the word.”
“I don’t know if I can get him to support Paul Ryan, though.”