23 Ways to Beat the Heat This Summer

Barack Obama

Summertime is here! But holy cow, the heat. My God, the heat! Who needs it? You sure as hell don’t!

But here’s the thing. You don’t need to let the sweltering, unforgiving heat ruin yet another summer for you. No one wants the heat constantly invading their good time like Gary over in accounting, so by following these 23 essential tips, your summer will no doubt be packed with the three essential B’s: babes, brews and buds.

  • Hit the city pool for that refreshing blend of water, chlorine, and bodily fluid ratatouille.
  • Slather on plenty of sunscreen to protect you and your family from skin cancer! Come to think of it…the sunscreen probably gives you cancer, too. But not AS MUCH as cancer, so you should have at least 5-6 more years, tops. Enjoy!
  • Escape both the heat and existence itself by melding your mind with Adam Sandler and allowing his conscience to completely consume your own.
  • Soak in a swimming pool full of aloe.
  • Start a political debate at your girlfriend’s ultra-conservative family barbecue, and provoke her dad to the point where he tosses you into the pool.
  • Lay underneath Drake during one of his concerts so that you will be showered by his potent tears during his more emotional songs.
  • While the day away in the special air conditioned room they keep in the hospital basement.
  • Complain about how hot it is.
  • Try asking out that girl you like. Her rejection will leave your heart cold, an excellent way to regulate your body temperature in the heat.
  • If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em! Go on an arson spree to curry favor with the Flame Gods so that they may spare you from the oncoming Heat Death.
  • For thousands of years, desert dwellers have relied on their trusty camels to spit on them every few minutes as a convenient way to keep cool. Take a lesson from these nomads by kicking back, cracking some brews and settling in at your local zoo’s camel pen.
  • Embrace your crafty side and make a hand fan out of high electricity bills you can’t afford to pay anymore.
  • Make a secret fort inside one of those ice coolers outside older convenience stores.
  • Sit in your dark, air-conditioned room and stew over the fact that there’s a good chance that Supreme Leader Snoke is actually Jar Jar Binks.
  • Beat the summer heat with The Ice Bucket Challenge, Part 2. Let’s raise enough money to finally figure out what’s on top of Donald Trump’s head.
  • Share your hopes and dreams for the future with your prostitute, while abstaining from sex on a humid summer night.
  • Bask in the eternal darkness of your frigid, black heart.
  • With Chris Bosh and Hassan Whiteside injured, you will be able to focus your defensive efforts on Dwyane Wade and Goran Dragic. Make sure to look to your bench to keep your legs fresh, and you will be able to outrun them down the stretch.
  • Commit your life to reducing the effects of climate change.
  • Drinking. It’s not just for keeping warm in the winter.
  • Put on one of Bill Cosby’s sweat-soaked sweaters as soon as he leaves the courthouse after one of his many upcoming trials.
  • Grab a pillow off your bed and continually flip it to the cooler side, putting it up to your head to steal its coldness.
  • Don’t go outside. Ever.



The Robot Butt Staff

Author: The Robot Butt Staff

We're the Robot Butt staff, hired right after the experiment of typewriting monkeys went horribly wrong.

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