16 Black Friday Shopping Tips

Black Friday shopping is stressful, but it doesn’t have to be! With these 16 tips, you’ll be nabbing up sweet deals and taking care of business all day long.

  • Sleeping in front of Best Buy can double as that camping trip you promised your son.
  • You may not think you need more bath towels, but you haven’t truly lived until you’ve bought one at 90% off!
  • Fun fact: Black Friday is named for the color your soul permanently turns upon entering a Walmart at 3 a.m. for a Toby Keith box set.
  • Don’t leave the kids out of the fun. Children have a variety of uses, from scouts to pickpockets to tearful diversions, and if things really heat up, they make great human shields.
  • Since you’re all cattle being herded into the stores anyway, don’t be afraid to bust out that cattle prodder to create openings!
  • Your forefathers’ lives depended on their ability to hunt. Harness that ability now to save 20% on a Microsoft Surface Pro 4.
  • Remember: Eyes, genitals, knees. You’ll do fine.
  • Pro tip: One flatscreen per store has a bar of gold hidden inside. Will YOU be the one to find it?
  • Consider doing your shopping online on Cyber Monday, allowing you to fully focus on beating up other adults on Black Friday.
  • Watch Vietnam War footage on an endless loop the day before you head out to put yourself in the proper mindset.
  • Use this day to show everyone that your training for American Ninja Warrior does have practical use.
  • Many stores say they’re staying closed for Black Friday. Call their bluff.
  • Bring turkey leftovers to hand out in line. Your fellow shoppers will thank you, but if you time it right, the tryptophan will kick in right as the doors open.
  • Claim that the store misrepresented its hours, sue for $100,000 and buy anything you want for Christmas!
  • Choose the items you fight over carefully. You can only carry so many shanks.
  • Keep in mind: Everyone out on Black Friday is an asshole, except for you. You actually NEED to be out shopping.

 

 




The Robot Butt Staff

Author: The Robot Butt Staff

We're the Robot Butt staff, hired right after the experiment of typewriting monkeys went horribly wrong.

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